two thousand + nine. over ‘n out

gavi – looking very much like his grandpa dan

listening to:  teitur – don’t want you to wake up

it’s snowing outside. as much as i hate the snow – i can’t help but love when it falls during the day. the sky is white and we’re covered in quiet.
it’s another holiday. another new year - we’ll be welcoming in twenty-ten tonight. as much as i love the new fresh start – i can’t help but feel the quiet ache that i’ve felt every year for the past ten.
i miss him, man.
and it feels heavy today.
ten years ago tonight was the catapult that launched me into what i like to call the great depression of the year two thousand. it changed me. deep. i think it changed all of us. it isn’t spoken of – but i recognize the difference in each of us. the realization that this family of ours is fragile. that the who-stays-and-who-goes part isn’t up to us. and not just in death but in life also. the coming and going of people that we love. the needle at which we gauge how much of ourselves we give away is harder to read.
++++
while doing some christmas shopping last month i was hustling and bustling at the good ‘ol columbia center. no boys. just me and i was happy with bags in hand. on my way out of the macy’s men store the guy standing by the doors slipped me a cologne sample. i shoved it in my pocket and made my way into the main hall of the mall before i could really smell it.
polo.
and all of a sudden he was everywhere. the tears were streaming and i couldn’t get to my car fast enough.
++++
my cousins danny + brandon were here for a minute the other day. really – a minute. and we were sitting in my living room just visiting – these boys i hardly know in real life. there was this powerful connection that i felt deep for them and the years that had passed  so quickly in the giant scheme of us belonging to eachother. i am grateful for a man that taught us to recognize that we are connected. that this means something important. a quick little reminder that we should take better care of eachother.
++++
tonight there will be tradition. there will be crackers and cheese and puzzles and sparkly apple juice. there will be resolutions made  and a countdown said. there will be a new fresh year. a new fresh decade. and i feel like leaving the heavy behind. like there’s going to be an important shift when the clock hits midnight tonight. hoping the ache will feel lighter in twenty-ten. that the grieving will be a different kind.
++++
“that the reason we miss people is because we love so much.” – amy

love, lindsay ann

baby mine

gavin west – month eleven

boy.
little boy blue.
baby blue.

eleven months of you, already.
one more month of true blue baby.

i love you.
~mama

christmas two thousand + nine

    

  

a hot cup of christmas cheer with homemade marshmallows

evidence on film

photo taken by ryan wilcox of you look nice today photography

i had plans in the works for months. we were finally getting our family pictures taken. all of us. no more of that long-arm-self-portrait angle that i hate. not only did i want some fantastic shots of my handsome boys but i also wanted a chance to be on the other side of the camera. the right photographer was found, the date was set and outfits were perfectly unmatched.
the day finally came and we met my dear friend tiffany and her talented husband on the corner of 10th avenue and clodfelter road. i had left our location up to them – as i wanted ryan to photograph us the way he wanted to. three of the prettiest film camera’s hung from his neck and he was soooo excited to snap some shots of us in front of these rad rustic looking apple crates he’d found.
++++
lucas would not look up.
no really.
eyes straight to the ground.
complete with the perfect frown.
then the wind. oh! the wind! it was so cold!
ryan snapped away anyways. we’d hear him say, “awesome! this is amazing!” he was in his creative element.
we drove to another location.
to a big open field up the road.
the wind was worse.
it was freezing.
my boys’ noses began to run.
the frowns turned to crying.
we decided to head home.
ryan and his camera’s followed us home, too.
++++
safe at home, lucas dared to look up and snap! ryan captured his amazing little boy blue eyes. luc kicked off his shoes and climbed on his bed and snap! ryan captured his wonder among his very own things. andrey and i headed out to the backyard and click, click, snap! ryan caught me in true love. we let gavin loose in the grass and click! click! click! ryan caught a ray of sun shinin’ right on my boy. and that gavin – he’s got a sideways smile just like me and i’d never noticed it before. but ryan captured it in a flash and now i see - that boy that is so much of andrey – has a tiny twinkle of me, too.
and now we have evidence. evidence on rolls of film. that we are here. that our sweet family is. that our boys have sparkly eyes. that even in chaos we still love. his cameras caught what i really see everyday. it’s amazing. want to see more?

wander over here…

she

she is:
white cake plates
izze’s in a bottle
cupcakes from scratch
hemp twine + kraft paper
happy mail
brave
the cozy brick house
their mother
noticing the little things
really good music
anthropologie catalogs
vintage books
mother’s animal cookies
bobbi brown mascara
kind
crafty brains
damsel in a dress polish
the breakfast club
my inspiration source
a “just saying hello” phone call
my dear friend.
++++
happy birthday, danyelle!
i wish so many happy things for you today.
love, lindsay

tradition. tradition!

i sent lucas to his cousins to borrow an egg. we had already started in on what is going to be our newly adopted holiday tradition. and the recipe called for one more egg.
++++
i am a sucker for tradition. i play christmas with strict rules.
a few:
-no christmas anything before december. (except egg nog. egg nog in november)
-no christmas music before the tree.
-only wrap gifts if you’re feeling extremely festive.
-watch prancer on christmas eve.
-must have hot chocolate in a mug before spying what santa has left.
-atleast one silver nordstrom box under the tree
++++
this is not my first holiday away from home.
andrey and i had our first christmas as newlyweds in our duplex.  i was so excited to “deck the halls” of our first house – so we went all out. we shoved a real evergreen into the back seat of andrey’s impala. i made gingerbread snowflakes complete with piped icing and silver dragees. we lit duraflames in our fireplace and i’m pretty sure i made andrey sing carols with me all. december. long. i clearly remember decorating the tree. andrey was wrapped up in lights – trying his best to drape them exactly how i wanted them. to the left! a little to the right!  i remember that i felt uber domestic and can recall thinking, “ok. he passes this test. he will be a good husband. we’re going to have a nice little life together – he lit my christmas tree.” we packed our suitcases and hauled the tree out to the curb days before christmas. i was going home to my parents’ and santa would be stuffing my stocking. only one christmas lesson for andrey at a time.
++++
i’m trying really hard to stick to my rules. i’m in charge this year. all on my own. we won’t be going to utah. my grandma didn’t make her yearly tri-city trek and amy’s pecan logs seem really really really far away. i’m finding that most traditions involve people that i love. like decorating the tree. i really miss my dad. every year. and we’ve somehow snuck by with this FAKE PRE-LIT thing this time around. it’s cheating. bad. i made enchiladas the other day. by myself for the first time. i wore an apron. we had ALOT of leftovers. enchiladas are usually feasted on with a giant table full of them and them. i ate mine on my bed while nursing gavin. i tried to get andrey to buy some slippers the other day. and a robe. “don’t you need these?” he looked at me funny. we’re playing santa this year. for reals – like the lucas jude boy has made requests and is counting down days. doesn’t andrey know he’s going to need a robe and slippers to do this???? he did learn the hot-chocolate-first-thing rule a few years back – but how did i forget the slippers part?
++++
i’m trying to make my own traditions. to help with the far away feeling.
so tonight we made cookies. sugar cookies. lucas was in charge – i stepped back and gave him full reign. he loved it. these cookies do not resemble snowflakes. not even close. they are smooshy, uneven and even a little burnt. they are adorable. and sooooo tasty. perfect.

i’m hoping for another year of the nativity performed by “the cousins” and some of danyelle’s cinnamon rolls for christmas morning. brunch down the street at jeff’s and hopefully – hopefully! santa will remember to fill my stocking.
++++
it’s feeling festive in this cozy house. it’s feeling fine. christmas can go ahead and come this year.

what’s your favorite holiday must-have???
we’re collecting traditions over here.

a big giant spoonful of tradition

me and cath-mom {9th & 9th – 2009}

i kept a running list on the back of a receipt while on my trip home. a list of all the good songs i heard on my mom’s xm radio during our shopping travels. it’s a good list.
++++

i hauled gavin west and one suitcase full of cardigans to utah last week. it’s tradition. we wasted no time. beginning with the c-razy beehive bazaar only hours after my plane had landed. we went non-stop until i hauled gavin west and two suitcases (one full of cardigans and the other full of gifts) home a week later.  every year is different. and this one was not to disappoint. 

9th & 9th is tradition. we dress up for the occasion. no mittens needed this year – but we had scarves. pretty ones. and boots! oh gol – did i have the boots. we graze through children’s hour. it’s our “shop around the corner” and grammy picks  a book specifically for each grandbaby. i pick a cool kid t-shirt for lucas jude and a few secret gifts. we leave them for the ladies to wrap them up with polka dots and glitter and ribbon while we skip across the street for hot chocolate and list making. this year we added in a little gavi – who last year was just a swooshing heartbeat in my belly. 

this year included susan and gus. a mama gathering. in & out burger. home cooked delish by nat and steen and jade. a shopping day with my dad. a portrait session of me done by the coolest mama with a mohawk and a little jay-z in the background. a sneak peak at an amy in love. fat dogs. a tooth! some blush pink j-crew pants. those boots. a house full of couch sleepers. anthro ornaments. jackie-boy. snow! a sick christine – which means i got to see alot of steen. embroidered peace signs and a really really good list of new songs on the back of a receipt.

++++

the flying jib – a new venture

last year i was gifted this print in mellow yellow by my oh-so-very talented brother.
he’d cut a stencil himself and spray painted the temple on graffiti style. i loved it.
the perfect way to display some religious art in our home
and still keep to the modern-ish look i was leaning towards in our little place.

after many compliments from friends and visitors,
i’ve convinced him that you all would love to have a piece of his artwork in your homes, too.
so - with a little coaxing he’s set up shop.
in limited quantities.
an original piece of art for your walls.
get ‘em while they’re hot. and before - like he says - the stencil is destroyed.
forever.
++++
plus - if this little venture goes well - it might encourage him to create something equally as cool
to stick under the tree for me this year.
get yours here - and quick!

love, lindsay

baby mine

 

gavin west - month ten
++++
last year at this time i was this.  wild.
this year we know your face. your hands.
your name.

at ten months you are:
still miniature.
still toothless.
still a grouchy- growly boy.

at ten months you are:
finally diggin’ solid foods
practically walking
giving loves
playing peek-a-boo
blab-blabbing on the telephone with dad
happiest in the bathtub
already getting into mischief
(including but not limited too:  getting into the cleaning supplies and choking on silver/turquoise rings)

you. are a handful.
but– i love you so.

a grateful: happy: full heart

so full.
oh my. yes – so full.
full of turkey & cranberries & homemade pumpkin pie.
full of love & gratitude & sweet happy peace.
++++
so grateful.
oh my. yes – so grateful.
grateful to have a seat at the table of this family with these people.

happy thanksgiving, little lovey’s.
love, lin

i create:

+food that fills bellies
+snuggly bed times
+handsome baby boys
+a warm home
+friendships with my little sisters
+lot’s of miscellaneous phone calls with my mom
+straight sewing lines
+pretty handwritten letters
+a messy bedroom
+smiles for strangers
+loud singing while driving
+just-saying-hello visits to a’s job site
+good mixed cd’s
+the best snail mail packages
+happy doodles
+a budget each month – that i’m no good at stickin’ to
+a creative crafty space
+wiggly boys on sunday church pews
+boxes full of a lifetime’s worth of journals
+stay-up-late-nights
+sleep-in-late-mornings
+a blog that i love
+a sisterhood in my ward family

and you? what do you create?




i am still giddy with leftover spiritual enlightenment from last night’s relief society fireside. it was so inspiring. i am surrounded by the most amazing sisterhood. i can’t even begin to describe it here in blog words. i am supported and loved and filled with gratitude at the realization that i am exactly where i need to be {geographically} at this stage of my life. no words, sisters. no words.

love, lindsay

a serious case of all-cooped-up

   

in case you were wondering:
we’ve taken this still-in-our-pajama’s-at-noon party
added some boots, some cousins…
and headed out to the backyard.
it’s awesome.

still…

i’m missing my family terribly.
wishing my boys and i had a lunch date at the rusted sun that we needed to be on our way to.
wishing that regg and pretz and jack would be waiting for us there.

or at least…

wishing andrey could’ve  called in “sick” and would’ve stayed home to join us for some serious kickball.
pajamas vs. skins.

empty tank – full heart

seeing the everyday (a week in pictures) – day five
++++

i’ve got a big full thump-thumping heart after noticing the everyday things i really saw by doing this, this week.
now it’s your turn. what do you see? let me know – so i can come visit and take a look, too.
love, lin

let the sunshine in

seeing the everyday (a week in pictures) – day four

stripes + curiosity

seeing the everyday (a week in pictures) – day three

a good couch-bed morning

seeing the everyday (a week in pictures) - day two

cheerios + correspondence

seeing the everyday (a week in pictures) – day one

“so nice!” – luigi

lucas to grammy over the phone - discussing last nights halloween festivities: “everyone kept asking me where mario was!”

baby mine.

gavin west -  month nine
++++
still no teeth.
the two of us have officially kicked andrey and  lucas out of our family bed.
we snuggle. we laugh. we don’t sleep.  
says, “mamamamamammmmmma”
sucks on his thumb for fun.
has new fall boots for his yummy baby feets.
is wearing all of my favorite lucas-baby clothes
(kurt shirt & bob dylan tee & this lucky fave)
was born in my bedroom.

“and it will be good for me” – kim taylor

“…days like this
you look up at the big sky above you.
…and days like this
you think about the ones who love you…”
++++
tonight’s gratefuls:

+marilyn’s honey bee mix
+the pins on luc’s sunday vest
+my brother’s glasses
+andrey’s new green striped tie & my mustard yellow sunday shoes
+a real conversation with lucas over milk and mr. sketch markers
+amy olsen’s powerful testimony shared in a simple sunday lesson
+new friends & caramel apples wrapped in ribbon & lace
+a couch full of ruby stella pillows
+converse & leaves flickr photo
+thinking about christmas gifts
+gavi’s peace pants
+cath’s visit to the ocean & dad’s casper hot dog
+shanna murray’s autumn desktop calendar
+mario tips from jade @ two in the morning via text  

you?
love, lin

a good : strong : loving boy

we have no pictures of andrey as a little boy.
ok – one. we have one picture and he’s about six or so years old.
we were however given this sweet gift:  our boys look exactly like him.
i  often stop myself in our everyday life and catch a glimpse of my dear husband as a little boy while i watch lucas play or gavin napping.
++++
lucas took off into the corn maze last week. he just wanted to ruuuuuun. fast. and as i chased after him, i was overwhelmed with love for andrey’s mother. something about the corn stalks and the crisp cold air and lukey’s corduroy jacket took me somewhere i’ve never been before.  i imagined her watching her boy run through ukrainian fields. i imagined that she wished the same sweet wishes for him – that i wish for my boys. i imagined also – the tinge of fear we probably shared that these boys of ours might just run too fast and we may just lose them to the adventure of the fields if we couldn’t keep up.  
++++
i’ve never met andrey’s mother – lucas and gavi’s babushka. she’s been on my mind lately. especially this month for some reason. i’d been meaning to ask andrey if there was any significance to me associating this autumn season with his mother – until this morning. when i woke up to tell him happy birthday.

this was her growing season.

on october eighteenth, twenty-nine years ago, she first held her baby boy. i wanted to call her today. really bad. i just needed to know what time of the day he was born. something i think a person should know about themselves. i wanted to know how she labored. what kind of blankets he was wrapped up in? if his hair was dark like gavin’s was. was he a good nursling? did he cry? and then i just wanted a minute to tell her how much i love him. how i will try really hard to take better care of her boy. i’ll remember to love him good.

i wanted to let her know – what a good, strong, loving man her boy has become.

one sweet little hot potato

gavin west has a fever. and i’m thinking/hoping it’s because he’s teething and not because we weren’t prepared for how cold it was going to be at the pumpkin patch on saturday. he was sluggish and crabby and attached to my hip all day today. sweet boy.

this was my free minute. to read some blogs, finish some projects, pay some bills – but mostly i just want to go snuggle up in my bed with my baby boy. he’ll keep me warm on this oh-so-chilly october night while i nurse him & love him & sing him get well soon lullabies.

++++
on the nightstand:
hylands teething tablets
infant tylenol
an adiri bottle full of water
people magazine
my journal and favorite pen

on the t.v:
rachel zoe season finale

in my bed:
one sweet little hot potato       goodnight loves, lin

i am made of sunshine & love

  
my sister phatnat {green thumb extraordinaire} gifted me this little spider plant. the fourth generation of many lady plants before her. over a year ago. it was just a little sprout at first and i stuck it in a tiny red anthro dish until it started growing some roots. just like she said. then i shopped for the perfect pot for my girl. this ceramic glazed beauty. and while this little plant’s mother & grandmothers before her are cascading over their potted edges -  my girl… is stuck.

i feed her sunshine. water her with love and well… laugh everytime i see her four skinny lady leaves. i am no good at growing things. except humans. i grow healthy humans. 

the other day lucas spotted a  greenhouse kit at the hardware store. we followed the directions exactly and i was so worried that my bad plant karma would rub off onto him. i really really wanted his seeds to sprout – so i didn’t touch them. just told him what to do and watched his sort-of chubby hands carefully work.

each morning i spy on him while he checks in on them. over by the kitchen window. he lifts the lid, checks to see if  they have water  and says “good morning little cucumbers!” then tucks them back in for their daily sunbaths. he even so lovingly tells them “sorry little guys” when one of the sprouts gets squished by the lid. 

i am learning from him - and caught myself saying, “hello there, girl” to my silly stunted planted this morning.

++++

baby mine

gavin west - my little ukranian boy at eight months old:   spunky.

please come in!

THE SHOP is back up and open for business.
some of my favorite colors/fabrics/things for fall waiting for you to snatch them up & love.
please go visit and let me know what you think!
++++
love, lin

a classic lunch

on the menu:
macoroni + sauce + cheese + a dash of salt and pepper
a can of coke for me >> o.j. for luc 
a handful of white cheddar cheez-its
smooshy peaches for gav
goldfish pajamas for me

  
  

a good one

the summer of 2009, huh. over? that’s how it started. up there. with lucas in his book tent. {he’s reading russian books by-the-way.} he spent that whole day out there. it’s a little – ok, a lot bitter sweet as i can see just from the above picture how much my boy has changed in just one summer season. back then – on the first day of summer i was determined to do things like that all season long. park ourselves under that book tent and pass my time away with popsicles and that kid.

we only made one book tent.

somebody please hit the brakes. fast.
i know i said that three years old was driving me crazy, just this morning even.  but seriously. somebody. slow this growing kid train down.

lucas got a ride in andrey’s work van today. i followed them to the mechanic. he was thumbs up out the window and big smiles the whole way. seriously the biggest/coolest thing he’d done in all of his three years. could not have been happier - and his dad - could not have been prouder to be driving that beat up, ugly machine down the road with his happy boy. in a quick flash i imagined luc, age fifteen. humiliated. in that beast. a ride to school with his dad. and andrey just wish-wishin’ to take that van ride with lucas, age three again and again and again.
++++
i grew gavin this summer. i mean … well… i know i actually grew-grew him last year but i feel like he finally snuck in and officially became one of my boys in the last three months. during this, the summer of 2009. i know him now. he belongs to us. belongs here with us. and even though i’m still trying to figure out how to wrangle two boys with only one of me during the day - we’re figuring it out. and it’s like this is how it always was.

++++
and the season’s – they go ‘round and ‘round
++++
i’ve got big plans for this fall.   
besides just new socks, longer pants and warmer blankets…

love, lin