"i'm not hoping for what i know can't be. all that i ask is for your smile each day and i will give you love, yes i will never go away" -jeff buckley

tensions run high in the stoyan portion of this larson house. we are way passed tired and grouchy. disorganized. frustrated. and on completely diffrent pages. i know it's because we need our own space. i think everyone in this house is feeling a bit cramped. we all want to stretch our leggies and freedoms a bit. i got all dolled up tonight to go out and eat wings and watch the game with A*love...lucas couldn't hold still. the jazz were LOSERS. we were short with eachother. bad date. lonely night. try again tomorrow? keep on keepin' on. yes. try again tomorrow.
i bought myself 15 minutes of peace and quiet yesterday at target for 49 bucks. it came in the shape of a little tykes cozy coupe. it took me one wal-mart trip and four diffrent targets before i finally got my mitts on one. crazy things a mama will do for a moment.



i'm tired. everyone is sleeping but me. i had such inspiring and compelling things to say but nothing good seems to be flowing out of me at the moment...so off i'll go to put myself to bed. try this again tomorrow? yup.

"i wanna write her name in the sky, gonna free fall out into nothin, gonna leave this world for awhile, and i'm free! free fallin!" -tom petty

R.I.P jetta-girl
1997-2007

***

our little family vacation began last wednesday. we loaded up the babe and headed for the zoo. it was sweaty hot...and all the animals were lazy sleepers and i got this strange impression that not one of those beasts had ever wished to be zoo animals. luc did love to see the monkeys though and we had big 'ol smiles on our parenting faces.

we went home that night to do laundry and pack up our things into one big suitcase. thursday morning we hopped a flight back to washington. the homeland. we spent a few days visiting A's family until our amy-cameron-bus picked us up at starbucks. such a happy girl i was to see little reno's face in the store glass. drinkin' his milk. so happy to have amy to rant about my time with the in-laws. "oh hi sinny! we've been waiting for you!" he said. i love that kid. and so does lucas.


they took turns all weekend copying eachother back and forth. luc trying to do big boy things and cam wanting a bit of baby attention. they played cars. jumped over chairs. ran outside. held hands in their carseats. crazy boys.
we got the larson kids for a few hours and lucas had a good time playing "kids" with the cousins. i love having them all together. the kennewick club.

i sort of forgot that i would have a luc-tag-along on this trip and imagined that amy and i would stay up late decorating her house, spend all day shopping in and out of silly k-town stores, she'd teach me how to cook, we'd watch loads of cable television, and eat at all the restaraunts that i don't have here in utah. i also sort of forgot that i'd only have two days to do this all in. we ended up driving around town so the boys would stay asleep in the back seat, running in the grocery store right before closing time to buy animal crackers and juice and bought a bunch of craft supplies only to find that we were way to tired to do any sort of decorating with it. still it was a very peaceful trip. such a cozy home they shared with us and i loved hanging out with my amy-friend doing momma stuff. we drove passed our old house. my flower pots. my water hose. not my house anymore. my tile floor. luc's nursery. someone else sleeping in my bedroom. i felt a bit like we don't have "home". our things are still in k-town. but we sleep in utah land. and this was supposed to be so temporary but here we are seven plus months later. taking up someone elses space and not really having a place to call our own. it felt really weird. i longed to hang up pictures of my little family, buy a welcome mat... paint the walls. we need to decide what will become of us in the next few months. will we stay around here?... do we head back?... do we try somewhere new?... we'll be planting ourselves somewhere and that's a big life changing decision.
andrey joined back up with us on sunday and i had him dig through our stuff in storage to find all the summer clothes that i couldn't fit in last year. he said our couches missed us. we went to visit my brother to make the purchase. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY 1990 TOYOTA COROLLA! it's a great car. and so fun to drive. (i even left the acura keys right where they were when andrey got home tonight to take the toyota out for a spin!) it's perfect to haul andrey back and forth from work daily. i didn't get to spend nearly as much time as i'd hoped with jeff and family. but i did get to catch gabriel's last real-pitch-little-league game. it's was so cool to see when he finally noticed that we'd made it. he smiled real big and snuck a wave at us from the pitchers mound.


we loaded up the toyota early monday morning. and headed over the mountains.

the radio would fade in and out... so we actually had to talk to eachother. gasp! it was so fun. like a real road trip. the rain drizzled a bit and the mountains seemed a whole lot greener than i remember them ever being before. we'd get the occasional sarah song or red hot chili peppers coming through and we'd turn it up and sing until it would fade out again. lucas read books in the back and was a super good boy. he took both of his naps and his awake time was so happy.

andrey and i held hands and talked...we sang baby songs and made animal noises for lucas. we stopped for treats a few times and to fuel up... it was such a sweet time that i'm ready to trap my family in the little toyota and take another trip. we've been so up in the air the passed few months with our living situation and where we'll be headed to next. we keep saying, "when this gets done...when that gets done...we'll finally..." and i'm afraid that in the meantime we've forgotten that we are a family right now. no matter where we live or if all our furniture is in a storage unit. no matter what we drive or wear... we are a family right now. with a little lucas that is growing right before our eyes.
we got home safely and just in time to crawl into bed and sleep real good. andrey was already off to work this morning and i was back to the normal life of chasing baby and chasing baby some more. i hope you all had a lovely weekend too. love, lin

TAGGED!

the one and only sweet allyson hill has tagged me with the thinking award! what a sweet surprise when i logged on this morning for my daily blog reads and to find my bloggie mentioned on her site. just to know that she even reads this project of mine is something else...but to know that i maybe make her "think" also?! what's funny is that months ago i ran across her sweet blog while searching for crafty treasures and i was hooked. the adventures she has with her little micah and all the beautiful things that she makes with those hands of hers. i was so impressed with her ability to find beauty in things that other people just might not even notice. so impressed that i decided to start a blog of my own then. not sure who would visit, not sure what i had of any interest to write about... the coolest thing in the world to have found a heart-connection-friend so far away...in a place i've never been...a face i've never really seen. what a relief to know that there really are other crazy crafting creatures out there like me. that just want to be good mothers to their little ones and also share my love of creating beautiful things. so... while allyson tagged me...my hat is off to her.

so the rule if you get tagged is to write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think. i'm so new to this blogging world, that i don't really have anyone to tag. so after pondering all day about people that make me think i've decided that instead i'll tag some of my readers that i'd like to start a blog!

amelia: i would love to read all the pretty little thoughts you have in your head. songs you've written, recipes you've tried, pictures of your lovely little family, books you've read, new things you've put in your house, healthy living facts. i would love it.

amy: oh come on! why must i beg for you to post daily updates of the crazy things that come out of your silly boys mouth! pictures of reno, ideas for and pictures of your baskets, song lists, and concert setlists (after this summer you will be a true groupie). people will google you for Indigo Girls encore info.

jess: you are a beautiful writer. a daily peek inside those pretty brains of yours would be such a treat. you are such a wise/peaceful/thoughtful person. i would be oh so blessed to have daily jessie reads. especially with you so far away... and my cell phone always lost. to know right where to find you when i am wondering of you.

my momma: i think a midwife blog is such a great idea! you could post stories of your births and labor "tricks". secret remedies and sweet calming momma words. you have such a beautiful perspective on life from your place you've found on this planet. share it.

jade.: you just plain old - crack me up. you make me laugh out loud. to read the thoughts that pass through that head of yours. you are a sweet girl. your words would be a gift of love and i would love to know more about you.

so thank you to allyson for making me think...all day! seriously.

i would really love for all of you to start a blog. i love to know you are out there. i'm not sure what i have to say that is really that interesting but i hope that something i write has connected our kite strings to eachother and that you feel safe here. comment away! speaking of comments... i got an itunes gift card for mother's day. it's killing me to know that i have $25 set aside just for downloading music. such a dream!! i have decided to get 25 songs instead of two full cd's. help. i can't decide! tell me your top five songs that you'd pick.
love, lin

"we can only look behind from where we came...and go round and round and round in the circle game" - joni mitchell

“the moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
she never existed before.
the woman existed, but the mother, never.
a mother is something absolutely new.”
-rajneesh


happy mother's day to all the momma's i've got around me, lovin'and growin' their babies. so many great examples. happy mother's day to one beauty of a momma who's loved me good.

"so wait for the stone on your window, your window... wait by the car and we'll go, we'll go" -the decemberists

lindsay-dear and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. well...not really that bad. but still. started out waking up before getting my mandatory 8 hours of sleep. (with my bad night-owl habit and the crazy kid that shares my bed that sometimes means staying in bed until 11 ish. ahh!) i should have known. then on to the cold shower. it's hard work to even get to the shower in the first place. first i have to either haul lukey in with me or find a safe place for him to play while i hurry. if i'm lucky he'll take a morning nap. no such luck today. i hired my mom to look after him while i hurried myself clean. cold. cold. cold water. when lucas did wind down long enough to squeeze in a quick nap... i wasted my "breathe" time on the phone back and forth with andrey and kim-insurance-lady, emailing car quotes and business as such. we got nothing accomplished. still no check to get *A*love some new wheels and the rental gets turned in in the morning. plucky! next we jumped in the car with cath-mom to run a few errands. this wasn't too bad. we found a dreamy neighborhood that i will live in one day and dashed into ONEITY to check out the goods. the cashier eyed my bag and homemade credit card wallet and i gave her my email address. i'm hoping she'll track me down cause i'm ready to jump into another project. then we were back in the car and back to the bad day. traffic. construction. a yelping, hungry lucas. it was a long ride home to say the least. andrey was already home when we got back and quickly grabbed his fishing gear (he has a new bad habit of ordering fishing lures off of ebay. they're coming in box loads...it is a much better habit than the jeans buying one he had last year though) and was off to the lake. leaving me with the yelping luc and an oh-so-tired lindsay-self. i pretty much begged luc to lay down with me for a bit and i'm pretty sure we both slept. i don't really remember. it happened so fast. the rest of the night went on pretty much the same. dropping things...late dinner...headache...lucas won't stop yelping. (his new "i need your attention now!" sound) my mom was comparing his yelp to a car alarm when you can't find the right button to turn it off. i needed out.
before luc was born my escape was always easy. when andrey and i were driving eachother nuts i'd slip out during a sports game and take myself to hastings and pile up some magazines and books and cds and...a good warm drink. i'd read for hours and sort through my cd picks for a few goodies. then i'd drive all over town until i'd officially"met" my new music purchase. i'd drive over the bridge into pasco, over the overpass and into richland. then back into k-town through all the back roads and then make my way home as the last track played. by then i'd forgotten why i was frustrated with *A*love...he'd be in bed asleep and i'd cuddle up tight.
can't really do that anymore. but tonight i needed to get out. i told andrey that lucas was downstairs in our room and told my mom to meet me out in the car. we drove to barnes and noble. it was already 9:15 leaving me with 45 minutes to refresh myself. i picked out a pile of goodies. bought myself a hot chocolate (which tasted more like hot water and burned my tongue... just to continue with the "bad day" theme i've got going on here) and found a seat. these were my picks tonight:

i'm always down for some good decorating ideas. i love to make my space "pretty." this magazine was alright. i don't think i'll ever buy it though. maybe i didn't give it a fair shot but i didn't have time to waste. next...

hmmm. seen better. however the first page was a reprodepot ad. rad! and it did have a full spread of etsy ads. where was allyson's bags? they definitely did not pick the best etsy goods to do the representing. next...

jane is my mag. always has been. everytime i pick it up though theres always like 10 more advertisement pages and 10 less good reading material pages. but i liked the kirsten/bryce interview. i love both of those girls. i've read some really cool stuff about bryce's pregnancy and birth on CBB and was really curious about her and kirsten's talk of the decemberists led me to this:

which then led me to this somehow:

i almost plucked down 40 bucks right then without batting an eyelash (i'm missing a few by the way...noticed that this morning. how in the goodness does one go missing eyelashes? seriously?) but i resisted. i studied the covers and decided i'd get them on itunes instead. minus the liner notes, but oh well. besides i need some decemberists advice. anyone? tyson? steen?

i spotted this book weeks ago in the cooking section when i was getting ideas for luc's cupcakes. it was obviously in the wrong place. i think it was fate because i couldn't stop thinking about it. i told my cath-mom about it but couldn't remember the name and after hours of internet hunting finally found it. we bought it tonight. it's such a smart book. i think i'll do a book report. you just wait. her website is awesome and i wish i was still young enough to go to the "not back to school camp" maybe i can convince jade?

this has always been one of my reads. i rarely buy it and usually read the whole thing in one sitting at the store because i love it so much. i just didn't have time tonight, though. so i bought it. and i'm oh so glad that i did. it's got some great goodies inside. articles about kurt, wilco, leonard cohen. real good music. not the crap i've been listening to on the radio in the rental that has me disappointed over and over again. "good music will prevail"
so yeah. my day started out a bit nutty. the last couple of days have been real nutty. i owe my ashlee-friend lunch somewhere delightful for putting up with my sporattic-nonsense text messages and broken plans. but i think i've caught up to myself tonight. i took my own time. i recommend it for all of you. i can't wait to do it again. i won't wait nearly as long this time. luc and A*love are fast asleep. blog is typed. i'm going to go cuddle up with my FILTER MAGAZINE and take a deep breath. here's to tomorrow! super cheers! g'night you.



p.s.
only days to go until....
anyone want to camp out with me the night before the grand opening? any other serious IKEA lovers out there? bring your ipods and sleeping bags. we'll toast marshmallows for pretends.

"oh, the friends and family, all the memories going round, round, round, round..." -pearl jam

i feel like it's been such a long time since i posted. but really it hasn't...just a lot of big things going on - so i feel like i don't know where to begin. it's been a great week-end hanging out with my family. having jeff's kids around is such a treat. i love them more than they know. and my wise brother and his sweet amelia wife. we needed them around here.


i'll go back a few weeks though....i picked my jessie-girl up at the airport a couple thursday's ago. there was something so wonderfully familiar about seeing her on the sidewalk with her suitcases. all baby belly in front of her. i'm not sure why...i've probably never picked her up at an airport before and i never got to see her pregnant-noah-self. it must have been her sweet face. old friends. old comfortable friendship. i remember now why i need a jess like her in my life. i didn't forget - it's just been a long time. and i'm sure that many a year ago we climbed up on the bus in her driveway to eat carrot sticks and look at the stars. and i'm sure that we imagined our twenty-something-selves with babies and handsome husbands living in far away places and doing very original/organic/cool/adventurous things. so maybe i had seen her like that before.

we spent the day catching up, taking walks, talking about our babies, buying blanket fabric for noah, laughing about our teenage crazy selves. we talked of needing a friend that you could tell the "truth" too. and how friends like that where hard to come by. how it felt good have a handful of "truthfuls" in our pockets from the old days to pull out when they are needed. i need her alot and wish she lived next door. someday.
i dropped her off at the temple to meet up with our gina-friend who had begun her "getting married" stuff. my heart was so full thinking of all the spiritual moments gina and i have shared on our many adventures together. big hearts, big prayers shared, our camp girls, blessings she'd have called in for us, peaceful quiet days in our crazy bellevue apartment. my heart was so full that she had made the long journey safely and was in the temple when i dropped jess off at the curb to go find her. i gave her a sweet hug before she went in and i knew that her heart knew that my heart wished i was going with her. i love her for that.
we gathered up our very own lacie for dinner on friday night. it felt like back then - when we - well i, was so bad a making and keeping plans...yet so silly and so happy to be together no matter where we ended up. we all played our roles the same. same girls. just a bit older.

saturday morning i got ready in a hurry so that i could meet up with lace and see G as she came out of the temple with her new mate. we were late of course in great lacie and lindsay fashion. it reminded me of jumping in the old sunbird to see the next missionary boyfriend off...then there she was. gina dawn. such a beauty.

i'm not sure her smile could get any bigger or that he could love her any more than he did in that moment. her daddy so proud. such a beauty.


we hung around while they took pictures just in case she might need us. cause that's what we do. it's been so long since we were all together like that. i missed shelley. i miss all of us little girls. i'd like to think that we all took good care of eachother back then.
thanks to andrey i got to go to all of these girly things by myself while he watched luc. jessie and i were both baby-less(besides the "lucky" one she's carrying around in that belly)and we both felt a bit silly about that. hope was there for us love-up though. such a sweet content little girl. happy as could be. what a good momma she's got.

so gina's married. and i can't wait for her to come back from her newlywed adventure and be my married-friend. i think i'll see a bit more of her now. isn't that how it goes?!
so that's that for now. jeff and his family have been here but i've got loads more pictures and lot's more stories - so i'll save them for later.
lucas has been such a good boy. a bit crazy, but good. he's getting so big. andrey and i were looking through some old pictures and videos of him from only a few months ago. he is a different boy already! it amazes me. i spent some time today while he napped studying his chubby leggies and baby boy feets. his sweet lukey hands and cute nose. i need to memorize them. he's growing so fast. my baby.

good night, my loves. let me know if you need me. -lin