i write here because this is my space. and i’m not sure where else to sort my thoughts. i’m stuck to the computer. reading every facebook thought, every blog tribute – trying to keep her here.
cath is at her first birth without bri this morning. i’m going about my day slowly. holding the space. i found comfort in the birth images from this video. the tub, the charting, the sling.
i remember eating breakfast at mimi’s with mom, briana and joanna. they’d just left a long birth. were going to fill their bellies – process the event and head home to sleep. their happy energy amazed me for three women who had been up all night.
remembering the first tiny beats of what would be my charlie-boy here in my living room with briana and my mother. cath couldn’t find them at first and handed the doppler to briana. she pushed around on my belly and moved the doppler to a new spot. she was all business. then we heard it. swoosh-swoosh-swish-swoosh.
“that’s it.” she said.
i loved briana for alot of reasons. she’s was simply beautiful. easy to love. but mostly i loved her for loving my mother. for being a real friend to her. when my mom felt far away. when i worried about her sacred birth work – i knew they were in it together. i trusted her hand in my mother’s life. i was grateful for it.
the facebook messages will eventually stop.
the blog tributes will quiet.
briana will still be gone.
and i am sad today.