"from now on your troubles will be miles away" - quiet company

goodness. where have i been??
buuuuuuuuuuuusy with these:

i've begun to cozy up this house of ours

1. teapot we got for a wedding gift
2. cookie jar that's waiting for these.
3. silhouette made after watching this lovely lady on her television debut.
4. izze bottle from a certain momma-o-mine's birthday celebration
5. the new most perfect shade of yellow/khaki/beige walls ever

and

1. schemeing up something fierce for winter card mailings
2. awaiting amy butler cotton
3. a handsome attempt at crocheting a winter hat for "little" and his yummy ears.
4. the perfect plaid pj's sewn for my soul-cousin
5. comment treats!! they will be on their way soon. maybe along with those fab winter cards i was talking about. i did not forget. i'm just trying to track down an elf that can cut metal. any tips?
6. happiness in a red recycled cup.
7. my beauty of a sewing gal that is nearing her first birthday.

i am having so much fun with the "handmade pledge" that i took. i am up to my chin in courderoy, modge podge, yarn, my favorite cotton prints, the prettiest papers and oh! my heart is full.
i love this season. besides the obvious reflection on christ, and life and all that i am blessed with and thankful for, i love the crisp air, the hustle and bustle, picking the right treasure for the right person. i love the gift wrap, the twinkling lights, the warm drinks. i love warm sockies, flickering peppermint candles and countdown calendars. i love the memories of people from seasons passed. a grandpa with bags of shiny boxes, catching a shuttle to kiss the cheek of a granny i miss dearly, and silly boys that have held my heart. i love this season.
lucas and i are hopping a jet plane back to the "heart-land" this weekend. to a place where mittens and scarves are necessity. where my momma has a menu of good-ness waiting to fill our bellies. where a little girl named pretzel has begun to grow into her smarty-pants and i hope she remembers my face.
take care, my loves. let your hearts be light,
lin

"i'm foolish and crazy, i just think that maybe, i've got alot of things to figure out"-rosie thomas

i've been tagged. by miss j. six facts about myself and i've been stumbling all over them for the past few days. so much silly pressure! at this very moment i've got nothin'. so let's just get right to it and see what happens, shall we?

1. i would rather sleep on the couch than my bed. this could actually be a fact for most everyone in my family. i play this game with my mom on some morning phone calls. "guess where everyone slept last night." she'll say. i then proceed to match a name to every couch or squishy chair she's got in her house. we've even been known to try and go to bed in a bed only to crawl out in the wee hours to find an empty spot. don't get me wrong. i love my bed. it's comfy and warm and my two favorite boys are snuggled up there right now... but secretly i want to go grab my red plaid blanket and tuck myself in... in the living room.

2. i haven't bought a real girl outfit since lucas was born. wait. that's a lie. i've bought them... and returned them. i have yet to come to grips with this new after boy body of mine. not just come to grips with it... but do something about it. one plus years later. until then i feel so silly buying myself something pretty. i've thrown out my skinny clothes. thrown out my fat clothes. i'm left with a couple pairs of cargos and some sweats. this is not good, i realize.

3. um...number three...let's see...i'm a sucker for anything written in the font papyrus

4. i never return movies on time. ever. and netflix just won't cut it for me and my need for instant gratification. so i've just come to accept this as fact and so has my poor husband.

5. my senior year of highschool i took a dental assisting course. mainly because we got to leave campus. {i am at this very moment laughing out loud as i type} i had conviced my nearest and dearest miss lacie friend to take it with me. and i'm not laughing because i also convinced her to let me put sealants on her back molars but because she was the accomplice to a most horrible of crimes that year. i'm not sure if i'm allowed to speak on the subject due to matters of the law and everything... i'll just say that it invovled an apple, and a numbing agent. you'll have to ask her about the rest. and the sealants?! still there.

6. i have a four year old cousin named reno. and a twenty year old sister who answers to weenie.

now it's your turn...ashlee, my second cousin cathy, my sister natalie, miss roxana m., sweet amelia and of coarse the one and only weenie.

"you belong to a simpler time" -the shins

do you know that part in "garden state" when sam and largeman are sitting in the waiting room of the doctors office. she's got on those gigantic headphones and they've just met. she says that famous line, "you gotta hear this one song. it'll change your life, i swear." and then the tambourine beginning of "new slang" floods his ears. and yours as you're watching the movie. in that instant i added that song to my own soundtrack. i went to the movie in a theatre with a*love. it had been a compromise. my girl pick. in the end i remember we both just sat there through the credits. affected. back in the car we both said, "what was that song?" and off to hastings we went to purchase my first shins cd. in the soundtrack to lindsay's life this song starts playing the first time i see andrey.
this is my husband:

we met at the mall.
he is handsome and has great hands. he is strong and smart and his heart is huge. he has lousy musical taste (except for the tiny comparment he's saved for led zepplin, pink floyd and the beatles.) he has a closet full of spendy jeans and fancy shoes. his accent comes out in full force when he's sleepy and he dreams in ukranian. his favorite place on earth is a little fishing hole he fished as a wee little ukranian boy. he works from sun up 'til sun down and would work more if he could. he eats onions like apples and garlic like it's candy. we are complete opposites. we clash. we argue. sometimes don't understand eachother. i don't know how we ended up together.
i had this dream the other night. i was at this big celebration in a big room full of people i knew of... had seen before... like the lady who always checks you out at the grocery store... the starbucks girl... that guy you see everywhere. people from highschool... friends of friends. then i saw andrey. he looked confused. not like himself. he was happy but a little nervous. i made my way through the crowd to him, grateful to see a face that i really knew. i remember saying to him, "where are we? isn't this weird? do you recognize all these people, too?" he just looked at me confused. like he couldn't place where he knew me from.
"let's just go, bub" i told him. i tried to grab his hand and he just put it in his pocket and started to back away from me. i was getting frantic. surrounded by strange people in a strange place and i wanted him to get me out of there. i grabbed his face in my hands and pulled myself close to him. "IT'S JUST ME! ANDREY! IT'S LINDSAY! WHERE'S LUCAS?! ANDREY! IT'S ME! LET'S GO!" he looked at me again, unable to place how he knew me, picked me up and moved me out of his way.
that's when i woke up.
the dream bothered me all day. how he didn't recognize me. what it felt like to just be someone in the crowd to him. how he didn't belong to me. how there would be no lucas and no others like lucas. what it would be like to not know that he talks in his sleep or that he makes a mean batch of fried potatoes.
it reminded me of the first time i saw him.
at the mall.
no cheesy love at first sight. just recognition. from all the people in the crowd i remember thinking, "i know that guy from somewhere"
i thought of telling him about it during his lunch phone call but i was too busy putting peanut butter on a sandwich and he had to get back to the roof.
when he came home that night, after dinner, after a baby was tucked safely in bed and he was settled into his spot on the couch dozing off to some sort of ball game on television, i climbed into his lap and whispered in his ear, "don't ever act like you don't know who i am. you scared me." i said. "don't ever do that to me."
he opened his eyes, looked at me like i was crazy and said,"lindsay, what are you talking about?!"

we are complete opposites. we clash. we argue. sometimes don't understand eachother. i don't know how we ended up together. but we did and i love him.

what's a song on your soundtrack? how did you find it... and where does it come in?

"it's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark" -michael jackson

halloween picture update:
so... at the very last minute and with a little candy convincing from his cousins he agreed to wear the shark suit. i was so proud of him because really the thing scared the kid to death. giant sacrifice made for this family's candy stash. thanks my boy. thanks. (can you hear the crinkle of my snickers wrapper?)


next year... something with smaller and less frightening teeth.
***


i love this holiday. the obvious change in the season. the crisp air. the color orange. blackbirds. the smell of burning jack-o-lanterns. caramel apples. pillowcases full of candy. mittens. i loved coming home from school on halloween with plans for the evenings adventures. trick-or-treats with my dad and the little girlies. dressed as a homemade clown for the third time.
***
lucas is terrified of his costume. and i can hardly wait to zip him up in it. is that cruel?! he says, "mama. you da wear da sharkeee suiteee." so i'll put it on my head and wander around the house for a minute. maybe even cook lunch in it. still. he'll have none of it.
last year him and the presley-pretzel-peanut were just little ones. their dada's bundled up to take the babes and their last minute costumes out on the town. they even kept ringing doorbells after lucas and presley were fast asleep in their strollers. i remember being snuggled upstairs all by myself and loving the moment of a break. they came home with cold noses and rosy cheeks. we put on their jammies and they kicked their baby feets around in the mound of candy while the dada's picked out their favorites. the snickers. the twizzlers. the milky ways.
has it really been a full year since we packed up our new family and trekked to utah? a full circle year? no wonder we miss presley so much this week.
***

happy halloween! i can't wait to read tomorrows blogs and my email inbox to see what you and all the kidlets turn into tonight. i hope your evening is ghoulish and scary and that your buckets are filled with snickers and twizzlers and milky ways.
love, lin

"sell all of your burdens. keep all of your prayers" -katie herzig

resolutions on my fridge:


one full hour of pure lucas attention:



happy autumn. i wish for each of you - one full hour of "you" attention. what will you do with it?
love, lin

**in honor of resolution number four, it's time for comment treats my friends. leave me a comment on this post and i'll get you a little-lindsay-creation sent to your mailbox**

"everybody needs somebody to hold them down...when your feet are leaving the ground" -patrick watson

it has been a jumbled few days of crazy early mornings and i've been a busy lady... but it's been great. and happy. and all is well. thanks for your sweet comments, my bloggy friends. for the sweet treats in the mail. for just plain old thinking of me. i wish i could collect you all up into one place and share a real chat and a real smile or two. i feel so blessed to have this connection to you all. through miles and miles. through a gazillion computer wires. you are here... and i am thankful.


lucas and i have a new relationship now that he's no longer my little nursling. toughest few days of this very "attached parenting" life of mine. far more emotional than i had ever imagined. i found so many neat blogs and articles about gentle weaning and i feel so thankful that i was able to nurse luc for so long. i've tucked that special "minute" of his boy life away some place safe... to pull out when i need it. i think we've figured eachother out... again. i've re-taught myself how to soothe his worries/owies. how to put him down for bed. how to be his mama with-out the secret weapon. and he still loves and needs me! who would have thought?! he cuddles more, talks more, sleeps more. awh. all is well.
goodnight loves, lin

"gradually, i will get wiser. i will get stronger. i will get older. i will not settle and i will fight back" -rosie thomas

it rained most of the way to washington. wouldn't that just be how it goes for me, though? we'd made it half way when the sky turned completely black. the clouds just about ready to swallow me and lucas, along with our car load of gear, right up. it poured down. each drop hitting my windshield with a thud. i gripped the steering wheel, tense. we trudged on. we reached a stopping point and i phoned in for help.
"is it going to be like this the whole way? we're so close but i don't think i feel safe in this?"
"it should get better. everything i can find says it's clear... clear sunshine straight ahead," she told me.
"ok. i'll just keep going then." i said. definitely a bit uncertain.
i'm not sure if maybe i'd really wanted her to tell me otherwise. that the sky would stay dark. the storm would follow me the entire way there. i should stop. maybe even turn back. a reason to haul my son and i back to a safe place. i'd been crying my eyes out up until the storm started. my momma had packed me up with cookies and a travel cd just as i'd imagined. and the flood gates... yup. they ripped open. a reason to turn around almost sounded good. instead i decided to welcome the rain. knowing that it would soon end... we kept going.
...and just like my awaiting auntie had said, the sky opened up right in front of me.


we're here. safely moved in to our new home. my old friend of a couch. lucas tucked sweetly into our familiar comfy bed. i spend my days cleaning and cooking and chasing boy. trying my best to be a better wife, mother... such a blessing this house and everything else that seems to be falling into place... and then...

"they come upon me all silent and menacing like pinkerton detectives, and they flank me - depression on my left, loneliness on my right. they don't need to show me their badges. i know these guys very well. we've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. though i admit that i am surprised to meet them in the elegant italian garden at dusk. this is no place they belong.
i say to them, "how did you find me here? who told you i had come to rome?"
depression, always the wise guy, says, "what- you're not happy to see us?" ("eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert)

how did they find me here? in this new beautiful fresh start? wouldn't that just be how it goes for me, though? will it be like this for the rest of my life? should i just start expecting them to show up with their ugliness, uninvited...forever? this time they bring along a mix of confusing homesickness, an overwhelming "to do list" and a giant scoop of uncertainty. this time, i've decided to welcome them in. hopefully without a fight they might not stay long. i'd use them to my advantage and tap into the creativity that flows during these moments i spend stuck in this familiar rainstorm. i stayed in my pajamas for a few days. kept my phone calls brief. spent the time in unloading boxes and reading books.
and then gradually... as i keep trudging along... the storm seems to be lifting... my brains are slowing down the craziness and as i sort through my thoughts with honesty, things seem to be getting brighter... "clear sunshine straight ahead."