Sunday, October 7, 2007

"gradually, i will get wiser. i will get stronger. i will get older. i will not settle and i will fight back" -rosie thomas

it rained most of the way to washington. wouldn't that just be how it goes for me, though? we'd made it half way when the sky turned completely black. the clouds just about ready to swallow me and lucas, along with our car load of gear, right up. it poured down. each drop hitting my windshield with a thud. i gripped the steering wheel, tense. we trudged on. we reached a stopping point and i phoned in for help.
"is it going to be like this the whole way? we're so close but i don't think i feel safe in this?"
"it should get better. everything i can find says it's clear... clear sunshine straight ahead," she told me.
"ok. i'll just keep going then." i said. definitely a bit uncertain.
i'm not sure if maybe i'd really wanted her to tell me otherwise. that the sky would stay dark. the storm would follow me the entire way there. i should stop. maybe even turn back. a reason to haul my son and i back to a safe place. i'd been crying my eyes out up until the storm started. my momma had packed me up with cookies and a travel cd just as i'd imagined. and the flood gates... yup. they ripped open. a reason to turn around almost sounded good. instead i decided to welcome the rain. knowing that it would soon end... we kept going.
...and just like my awaiting auntie had said, the sky opened up right in front of me.
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we're here. safely moved in to our new home. my old friend of a couch. lucas tucked sweetly into our familiar comfy bed. i spend my days cleaning and cooking and chasing boy. trying my best to be a better wife, mother... such a blessing this house and everything else that seems to be falling into place... and then...

"they come upon me all silent and menacing like pinkerton detectives, and they flank me - depression on my left, loneliness on my right. they don't need to show me their badges. i know these guys very well. we've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. though i admit that i am surprised to meet them in the elegant italian garden at dusk. this is no place they belong.
i say to them, "how did you find me here? who told you i had come to rome?"
depression, always the wise guy, says, "what- you're not happy to see us?"
("eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert)

how did they find me here? in this new beautiful fresh start? wouldn't that just be how it goes for me, though? will it be like this for the rest of my life? should i just start expecting them to show up with their ugliness, uninvited...forever? this time they bring along a mix of confusing homesickness, an overwhelming "to do list" and a giant scoop of uncertainty. this time, i've decided to welcome them in. hopefully without a fight they might not stay long. i'd use them to my advantage and tap into the creativity that flows during these moments i spend stuck in this familiar rainstorm. i stayed in my pajamas for a few days. kept my phone calls brief. spent the time in unloading boxes and reading books.
and then gradually... as i keep trudging along... the storm seems to be lifting... my brains are slowing down the craziness and as i sort through my thoughts with honesty, things seem to be getting brighter... "clear sunshine straight ahead."


  1. Beautiful post. Take it one day at a time. I know it's hard to get overwhelmed. I've been and am there a lot. But you just have to breathe, and do little by little. It's only taken me like, a year and a half to organize the clothes!

  2. Linds, your cute and I sure do miss you around here. Jon is going out of town all next week and I thought how fun that would be to have you here. Moving is always hard I think or maybe I should just say change no matter good or bad is difficult, but you will love it soon!

  3. hang in there, hang in there, hang in there, it sounds like you're already beginning to come out on the other side.

  4. Hmmmm.... you know those guys too. I think I've wondered if they would go away every since my teenage days when I hoped my mom wouldn't find me crying hidden in my basement room. This last winter I think I hit quite an astonishing idea that this was a part of me, one of those things I was born to go through, a weakness just like everyone has weakness only this one just seems weeker some how.
    I also realized that winter was always going to come back around and I needed to find a way to be friends with it at least a little. It wasn't soemthing I could make go away but it was something I knew and I knew how to try and stay on top of it. That I thought was life. My sweet husband installed a dawn simulator in my room to make the sun come up early every day and give me more quality light and I committed to not being beaten. You have great strengths that others don't have and some days God will say good job you didn't give up, you still hugged your child and was there for your husband even when everything felt like it was caving in and everything in you just wanted to crawl in your bed, he wont mention the pajamas, the undone dishes or the undone "to do list" because he only expects us to do what we can and that is different every day.

  5. I love your honesty and upfrontness about moving. It's hard leaving your mama, isn't it? I know that one all too well. I loved Amelia's comments. You have a good family and you are so talented. Keep on fightin' cause it sounds like you're winning.

  6. It's always darkest before the dawn. I've missed your blog. You. are. so. real.
    Know that you have so many people who love you!
    And I love that sky between Salt Lake and K-town. What a great drive. How can that sky be so big?

  7. You I missed a lot around here. I'm feeling a bit in the same boat as you in this next week, it will be an up and down of emotions and I'm only moving across town. But the change. It can be wonderful yet so depressing. I'm hoping to stay distracted and busy so my thoughts can't wander. I'll hope that for you too my dear.