“it’s been so long… i don’t know what to say” –emiliana torrini

awww.  this feels really good. it’s been weeks, you know.
the sun has been shining around here. our days have been good. but somehow i feel like i’ve skipped doing the “lindsay-girl things” for a little while now. the things that make me… well, me.
so i’ve shut things down over here. the doors are locked, the dishwasher humming, boys snoring, iTunes on play and i’m hearing some of my favorites for the first time in a long time. a minute to purge thoughts – and i’m not really sure what’s going to come out. i like this. i really, really do.

a friend and i talked once about how it got on our nerves when people would say, “i just don’t have time to blog/paint/create/bake/do-things-i-love” because we just figured that if you really wanted to do those things – that you’d make the time. however – somehow i’ve felt lately like there wasn’t even a small snitch of time to make. i think i sort of gave up, really. it’s the winter fog. i’m sure of it. but that’s lifting, friends. the sun was so sunshiney today and we spent most of the afternoon outside. vitamin d tastes so good to my silly soul. so so good.

i dug through those boxes a few weeks ago. you know the ones i found all that love art in? i almost didn’t recognize myself in them. read through my journals and could not believe that was me. sorted through pictures and notes/wishes/dreams of this someday. this one with babies to grow and rock. a good strong husband to love. an apron to wear and muffins to make.

but this someday is wearing me out. i’m tired. really, really tired. 

so who am i anyways? if i was not andrey’s wife and luc and gavi’s mum all the day long – who would i be?
i think i’d still be her. that girl up there with the stripey socks and hemp shoes. pant legs rolled up. maybe i’d have had the time to soak in some good new music instead of just sitting down with the tried and true ones. i used to love that. i’d go on a long drive. alone. and not worry of hurrying home. i’d have bought that gigundo canvas at the craft store and after typing this blog i’d be turning the music up loud and dipping my brush. i’d sit at barnes & noble for hours reading magazines and maybe even start a book. i’d have said “yes” to friday night. i’d take a big long deep lindsay-girl breath.

i miss myself. my all-by-myself  self.
have you seen her?