Thursday, April 19, 2007

"and a heart that grieves gets lost in everything. and a heart in need finds hope in anything" -maria taylor

i stay up late at night. really late. later than anyone else in this house does. (except maybe jade every once in awhile) i wander around the house. eat treats. flip through the channels. cuddle up with luc and A*love, get back up, surf fabric websites on the internet, make music mixes, scheme up crazy craft projects... until eventually i'm so tired my droopy eyes can't stay awake any longer. i cannot just lay there. in the dark. and will myself to sleep. it doesn't bother me anymore. it's become me. however...i have been in that place where it hurt to stay awake. where even the days seemed dark. and i could sleep right through them if somebody would let me. the depression monster is a powerful one. it could swallow a person whole without a second thought. i've stared at myself in the mirror before and not recognized the person looking back at me. i've driven through rainstorms and felt like never hitting the brakes. i've been in a room full of smiling/laughing people and felt like no one knew who i was or that i was even there. felt like i couldn't breathe. i'm not sure what exactly sent me madly spinning. a combination of alot of things. probably my severely tender heart. one day back then, i couldn't stop crying. i cannot for the life of me remember what opened the flood gates but it poured out of me that afternoon. i'm lucky enough to have been surrounded by people that loved me. that held me. that carried me. my gram was my safe house. no questions asked. my amy held me on the rocking loveseat that day until my momma flew in to take me back home, feed me good and put me back together. little jade would stay up all night with me and watch dumb.dumb.dumb. television. such a gift of love. my dad bought me a plane ticket to new york city and my jeff and amelia healed my heart with their faith while i was there. then my andrey. he found me. and loved me. saw deep inside of me and brought me back to life. gave my heart a safe place to be it's tender self. he's careful with me. takes such good care of us that my late nights aren't scary anymore and i can use them to explore who i am.
the depression monster is real to the people that are living with him. he's powerful. he can talk you into unimaginable things.

i've been bombarded the past few days with images from the tragic happenings in virginia. it's everywhere. even when we tried to avoid all the media about it this time. tired of hearing about this kind of stuff. tired of the haunting images. tired of this violence. last night in my insomniatic channel flipping it kept flashing in front of me. the bad guy. his pictures, his story, the videos. that lost look in his eyes. he scared me. bad. i'd close my eyes and try to sleep and i kept seeing him and hearing the story.
the depression monster is real to the people that are living with him. he's powerful. he can talk you into unimaginable things.

and i just wondered how it all could have been different if he'd let somebody love him. i looked at my baby boy cuddled up to me. i want to love him so good. i never want him to feel that darkness. that bittercold loneliness. how do i do that? i'm so thankful that i'm alive. that i survived that fight. lived to know what it feels like to be safely loved. to know what it's like to have a babe of my own who fills my life with overwhelming sunshine. my heart is full this night. it aches a bit for the people in virginia that have just begun their new grieving adventures. because grief is so very powerful too. but i guess...that we all just keep on living right? i mean, what else do we do?


  1. I want you to read the "Timeless Waltz" series by Anita Stanfield. It is a 4 volume series and it will strengthen your spirit and soften you hear to every challenge in the world. At least it did for me!! Especially volume 4. I promise, you will be changed!

    I am so sorry that we had lost touch during those dark times and I am so glad and thankful that you gathered me up again as your friend. You have no idea what it means to me!!

    Now I am off to watch one of my favorite love stories and renew my gratefullness for my Mark. Fools Rush In!! Lovely movie!!

    I love you Lin...I hope you know that!


  2. I never knew that anyone really knew. I was reading myself. And no one even knows. I commit to total understanding.