"isn't she lovely...isn't she wonderful?.. isn't she lovely made from love" -stevie wonder

here she is. her grand debut! i am in lurve. such big 'ol pockets. such a cute button. i want to make a million more just like her.


our family has one less family member. our dear 'ol jetta girl was in an accident on wednesday night (andrey was driving and he is a-ok which makes mourning the loss of my girl allowable) and despite our insurance companies many attempts to resuscitate her... we had to let her go. i've been reassured that there is a car heaven and that she was greeted by many other family cars that have passed before her. i didn't get to say good-bye. in lieu of flowers...please send money. i'll set up a bank account. wait...bag that. just send cash. oh and amy...know anything about car funerals? do they do those on six feet under? i'm gonna call that old dad-dude on "family plots". andrey better start diggin'. my jetta was my first very-own. bought her all by myself. we've been on many a great long ride together. blasting so many great songs... we brought lucas home in the jetta. and i'd like to hope that maybe that will contribute to his greatness. (ie: my parents brought me home in a yellow vw bug...greatness.) andrey is already stoked on getting a replacement. it's still too early for me. *sigh* my heart is broke.

in all seriousness though. andrey is fine. when i drove over to pick him up - my heart skipping every other beat. my hands a bit shaky. then i saw him on the side of the road. his pile of fishing stuff and work jackets. talking with the police... there he was. i was so thankful. it's like they all say...it can happen so fast. lucas and i were so very grateful to have our daddy-boy, best friend forever, safe by our side that night. there really is no reason to waste any time being grouchy or short or forgetful of the ones we love. no time at all.



thanks for all the comments on the last post my blogging friends. you all came out in full force to support my journaling adventure. i love to know that you're out there. that you read me. and thanks for all the advice. especially you, tyson. we went out and got him his very own six pack of coke that night. you have such smart brains that maybe just maybe it was all the caffiene. we won't take any chances or waste anymore time. coca-cola bottles it is. and jeff-free. i love to hear/read your words. only you can feel andrey's sleep-deprived pain. cousin maren! i knew you were out there! amelia...i told you before that your post tugged at my heart. i love that you understand the emotion that is involved in all this.makes me feel a little less crazy-lady and a little more good-momma. my secret mimi (shall remain name-less) you already now. lucas thanks his lucky stars at every "milkies" that you learned me how to nurse in the first place. and how exciting to see a post from the allyson hill. she is a celebrity in my book. i think we've... well...i've decided that since things were just not feeling right and i was feeling so discouraged about this whole weaning thing... that we really just aren't ready yet. i'll take it slow. lucas jude...my little baby bird. i just love him. want to make a million more just like him.

"go on little girl... feet twirl... go and make him smile" -ryan adams

so...we finally watched "the secret" the other night. all of us girls sat down to find out what "the secret" really was. i've been seeing a mailbox full of pretty packages everytime i go to the mailbox. so as that i might see it true. when i kept finding junk mail day after day... i decided to do something about it. started ordering things. patterns, fabric, crafters creations, gifts, books... and they've started to arrive! it would have been alot funner if these treats had just surprised me and appeared in the mailbox everyday - but it's still pretty fun and i now consider myself a "secret" professional. i ordered the retro rocket kids fabric that i've been looking at since before luc was born. when it started disappearing on my fabric sites i decided that it was time to get myself a piece before it was discontinued. i finally found it at this obscure...strange website...but it's so cool! i already cut it into squares for the boy quilt i'm making and then made the scraps into toy bags for lucas's animal collection. the little space boys look just like my silly lucas dude. i love it. the quilt top is complete. it didn't take as long and i thought! now the tricky part. to put the back on...quilt it...and edge. i've never done that before. anyone out there that can help??

i had so much fun making these little toy bags. i made two and i think they will look so cute hanging on pegs in luc's room. if we ever get his room back. i love to see him drag them around the house. he's got quite the collection of animals so far. he's learning their names and their sounds.

next, i ordered this pattern from amy butler. i am in love with the nappy bag i made from her pattern and i'm so excited to finish this one. i've got the lovely fabric pieces cut out and will start sewing tomorrow, i think. (i spy with my little eye...someones toes!)

lucas and i ventured to salt lake with gina today to sort out her dress fiasco. such a sweet girl, that gina. i would so be pulling my hair out by now. she just said,"you know...this time next week, i'll be married and that's all that really matters" i miss that anticipation. the week before the wedding. sorting out the final details. the curiosity of what life will be like as his wife and getting to know him in a whole new way. the very beginning of such a fun wild adventure. she looked so pretty in her dress. she'll be such a lovely bride. jessie flies in this week and i was thinking that's it's been like 5 years since we've all been in the same room together. almost exactly 8 years since jess and lace and i took a trip in the honda our hands waving out the sunroof all the way to provo. we celebrated my birthday together and bought our silver rings knowing that things were going to change for us. and change they have.

lucas and i have been on a little adventure of our own. i'm feeling a bit guilty for wanting to wean him when it is very obvious that he is not ready. he won't eat "big boy" food - and i'm sure that it is just in protest. our nights have been so nutty. it's almost like he is nursing more now during the night than he was before?? i tried introducing him to a milk bottle. he thinks it's hilarious. what a fun game!

yeah, try giving him that same funny bottle in the middle of the night. a really fun game. and poor andrey has to go to work at 6 in the morning after our nightly chaos. i feel even worse when i finally give in to my wailing baby and nurse him back to sleep cause he's so sweet and cuddles right back up to me. advice anyone??

i hope you all are happy and well. send me some love...i'll be checkin' my mailbox!
love, lin

"...and the world spins madly on" -the weepies

i love music. love the way a lyric can change your mood. or the way a new found favorite voice becomes a friend. i have an addiction to buying cd's. i'll even come home sometimes with cd's i already have. i fall in love with songs. amy is my partner in crime. we will obsess over songs. take trips to other states and only listen to the same one cd. have pretend relationships with lead singers. pretend their singing about us. i'll buy a cd for one song. amy will buy a t-shirt for one song. wait, that was a lie. she never actually bought the velvet revolver tee but i know she still wants it. i'll order a song on i*tunes only to go out the next day to buy the cd for the liner notes. we'll travel for miles...screaming babies in tow to see an indigo girls show. we'll have lengthy conversations about the lyrical genius that emily saliers truly is. i've got cases full of cd's i've listened to maybe once and cd's strewn (is that a word) all over the house, the car, my life* i love finding a secret new artist or album that everyone else is yet to appreciate...and then get very bitter when i hear say, "the weepies" on a car commercial or an episode of one tree hill. i wasn't going to tell amy that her new brandi carlile song-love had been blasted all over the previews for a recent greys anatomy episode, hoping that maybe she wouldn't watch it. i was not surprised when i got text from her that i'm sure was sent in a fit of rage. she'd seen the show. atleast they'd used it in good context, but still the song was no longer hers. i am a bit of a hypocrite though when it comes to this because last night watching my shows i heard a song and knew it was being sung to me. i ran upstairs to type in the lyrics and stumbled across a true gem. maria taylor. beautiful voice. simply said words. i'll go make the purchase today.
my cd case got stolen out of my car a few weeks ago. i'd just filled up my visor case with the albums i "needed" for the week. they took em all. probably only to throw them in the neighbors garbage can when they realized what they'd actually swiped. all my rosie's. my sarah's. a ton of mixed cds. iron and wine. some russian children's music, two newly purchased indigos. such a sad day. what a heartache! i am happy to report however that amy safely borrowed my christina/britney mix. it survived the heist. he!
i've had a lovely fabric filled week. i got to work right away on my comment treats! they got dropped in the mailbox yesterday and are on their way!

ashlee and i met up at gardner village on tuesday to spend my birthday gift certificate at pine needles. our project visions where squished when we realized after loading our boys into their carriers that it was closed for remodel. don't worry that didn't stop us. crazy ladies loaded up our babies again on wednesday in pretty much a BLIZZARD (yes, more snow in april)to go to the grand opening. i was in hog heaven with all the pretty prints and colors. fabrics i've only seen in my late night internet treks. i bought two lovely amy butler prints to make a bag and we both picked handfuls of quilters quarters in bold, fun boy colors to make the boys a quilt.

ash came over yesterday and we spent the day cutting out our squares and being friends. such fun. we had lunch at my other addiction, kneaders. i'll do anything for a turkey cranberry sandwich. max is such a good baby. he reminds me of lucas before he was mobile and his curiosity was three times the size as he is. max will just smile and coo and only gets a little nervous when lukey the bully tries to share his gigantic baseball mit.


lucas has two new best friends. first, i've been replaced by his dad. as soon as andrey comes homes and lucas can hear his voice off he goes to find him. his arms are attached to andrey's neck for the rest of the night. silly boy. his second new best friend is the outdoors. he'll stand by the door and cry his eyes out until one of us...preferably his dad, takes him outside. he'll come back in with freezing cold cheeks and cry by the door until andrey takes him out again. crazy kid. i love it.


oh! i see the mail lady. maybe today is the day a yummy mail/letter/package will come. have a good weekend my friends. peace.

"and a heart that grieves gets lost in everything. and a heart in need finds hope in anything" -maria taylor

i stay up late at night. really late. later than anyone else in this house does. (except maybe jade every once in awhile) i wander around the house. eat treats. flip through the channels. cuddle up with luc and A*love, get back up, surf fabric websites on the internet, make music mixes, scheme up crazy craft projects... until eventually i'm so tired my droopy eyes can't stay awake any longer. i cannot just lay there. in the dark. and will myself to sleep. it doesn't bother me anymore. it's become me. however...i have been in that place where it hurt to stay awake. where even the days seemed dark. and i could sleep right through them if somebody would let me. the depression monster is a powerful one. it could swallow a person whole without a second thought. i've stared at myself in the mirror before and not recognized the person looking back at me. i've driven through rainstorms and felt like never hitting the brakes. i've been in a room full of smiling/laughing people and felt like no one knew who i was or that i was even there. felt like i couldn't breathe. i'm not sure what exactly sent me madly spinning. a combination of alot of things. probably my severely tender heart. one day back then, i couldn't stop crying. i cannot for the life of me remember what opened the flood gates but it poured out of me that afternoon. i'm lucky enough to have been surrounded by people that loved me. that held me. that carried me. my gram was my safe house. no questions asked. my amy held me on the rocking loveseat that day until my momma flew in to take me back home, feed me good and put me back together. little jade would stay up all night with me and watch dumb.dumb.dumb. television. such a gift of love. my dad bought me a plane ticket to new york city and my jeff and amelia healed my heart with their faith while i was there. then my andrey. he found me. and loved me. saw deep inside of me and brought me back to life. gave my heart a safe place to be it's tender self. he's careful with me. takes such good care of us that my late nights aren't scary anymore and i can use them to explore who i am.
the depression monster is real to the people that are living with him. he's powerful. he can talk you into unimaginable things.
i've been bombarded the past few days with images from the tragic happenings in virginia. it's everywhere. even when we tried to avoid all the media about it this time. tired of hearing about this kind of stuff. tired of the haunting images. tired of this violence. last night in my insomniatic channel flipping it kept flashing in front of me. the bad guy. his pictures, his story, the videos. that lost look in his eyes. he scared me. bad. i'd close my eyes and try to sleep and i kept seeing him and hearing the story.
the depression monster is real to the people that are living with him. he's powerful. he can talk you into unimaginable things.
and i just wondered how it all could have been different if he'd let somebody love him. i looked at my baby boy cuddled up to me. i want to love him so good. i never want him to feel that darkness. that bittercold loneliness. how do i do that? i'm so thankful that i'm alive. that i survived that fight. lived to know what it feels like to be safely loved. to know what it's like to have a babe of my own who fills my life with overwhelming sunshine. my heart is full this night. it aches a bit for the people in virginia that have just begun their new grieving adventures. because grief is so very powerful too. but i guess...that we all just keep on living right? i mean, what else do we do?

"restless little one" -foo fighters

my mind is blank. seriously. such a tired little birdie. i've spent the day running upstairs gathering things up to run them down-down-downstairs. then back up again. we're moving our things into the new basement house/home. it's really sweet and cozy down there. a fresh clean palette with lots of living in it to be done. my little lukey is so fast asleep. i think his legs were still running when his eyes finally closed for the night. for a few hours anyways. such a tired little birdie, i am. not much chirping for me to do on here tonight. going to go tuck myself in and cuddle up good. love, lin



"crazed monkey for a camera man" -jessie

**p.s. jessie-dear, this quote... the monkey quote. it's from a journal entry of yours you shared with me once. i've got it tucked safely away in my storage unit for now...but that's miles and miles and boxes away from me right now and i need that quote. my brain is missing it. puh-lease send it to me**

p.p.s. with all the birthday party projects over with i'm a bit anxious to get my hands into some new creations. i'm thinking i'll make a bag to put my sewing machine in, a new purse, a quilt for my very own self to snuggle up in, a couple of drawstring bags to organize luc's toys, patch up two pairs of *A-loves* pants, and... send out sweet creative treats (i'm not quite sure what yet)to whoever posts me a comment/love note on this post. serious. send me some love guys! i know you're out there! i'll need your addresses too. i was telling rox-ana-banana that i'm bringing real mail back. starting with these little surprises. he!

...on the day WE were born...

There is a land I've heard about
Where the clouds are with many clouds
The air is clear, and I hear, the good times roll like water


There's a silver lake and a gold one too
You can paddle all around in a wooden canoe
In the big rock candy mountains


There is a land I've heard about
Where springtime's never over
The air is sweet, and your friends all meet
And you feel the four-leaf clover



I'm bound to go
Where there ain't snow
Where the rain don't fall
And the winds don't blow
In the big rock candy mountains



Oh, the buzzing of the bees in the peppermint trees,
And the soda water fountains



The lemonade springs and the bluebird sings
In the big rock candy mountains

"the moment i saw you, i wanted to hold you and keep you warm" -nicolette larson

"It was a day filled with the glow of ordinary things & we passed them quietly from hand to hand for a long time & someone said he had picked a perfect day to be born & I think all of us felt the same."
-brian andreas



happy birthday my little lucas jude. i love you more than even i can comprehend. i'm so glad you were born to us.