two thousand + nine. over ‘n out

gavi – looking very much like his grandpa dan

listening to:  teitur – don’t want you to wake up

it’s snowing outside. as much as i hate the snow – i can’t help but love when it falls during the day. the sky is white and we’re covered in quiet.
it’s another holiday. another new year - we’ll be welcoming in twenty-ten tonight. as much as i love the new fresh start – i can’t help but feel the quiet ache that i’ve felt every year for the past ten.
i miss him, man.
and it feels heavy today.
ten years ago tonight was the catapult that launched me into what i like to call the great depression of the year two thousand. it changed me. deep. i think it changed all of us. it isn’t spoken of – but i recognize the difference in each of us. the realization that this family of ours is fragile. that the who-stays-and-who-goes part isn’t up to us. and not just in death but in life also. the coming and going of people that we love. the needle at which we gauge how much of ourselves we give away is harder to read.
++++
while doing some christmas shopping last month i was hustling and bustling at the good ‘ol columbia center. no boys. just me and i was happy with bags in hand. on my way out of the macy’s men store the guy standing by the doors slipped me a cologne sample. i shoved it in my pocket and made my way into the main hall of the mall before i could really smell it.
polo.
and all of a sudden he was everywhere. the tears were streaming and i couldn’t get to my car fast enough.
++++
my cousins danny + brandon were here for a minute the other day. really – a minute. and we were sitting in my living room just visiting – these boys i hardly know in real life. there was this powerful connection that i felt deep for them and the years that had passed  so quickly in the giant scheme of us belonging to eachother. i am grateful for a man that taught us to recognize that we are connected. that this means something important. a quick little reminder that we should take better care of eachother.
++++
tonight there will be tradition. there will be crackers and cheese and puzzles and sparkly apple juice. there will be resolutions made  and a countdown said. there will be a new fresh year. a new fresh decade. and i feel like leaving the heavy behind. like there’s going to be an important shift when the clock hits midnight tonight. hoping the ache will feel lighter in twenty-ten. that the grieving will be a different kind.
++++
“that the reason we miss people is because we love so much.” – amy

love, lindsay ann

baby mine

gavin west – month eleven

boy.
little boy blue.
baby blue.

eleven months of you, already.
one more month of true blue baby.

i love you.
~mama

christmas two thousand + nine

    

  

a hot cup of christmas cheer with homemade marshmallows

evidence on film

photo taken by ryan wilcox of you look nice today photography

i had plans in the works for months. we were finally getting our family pictures taken. all of us. no more of that long-arm-self-portrait angle that i hate. not only did i want some fantastic shots of my handsome boys but i also wanted a chance to be on the other side of the camera. the right photographer was found, the date was set and outfits were perfectly unmatched.
the day finally came and we met my dear friend tiffany and her talented husband on the corner of 10th avenue and clodfelter road. i had left our location up to them – as i wanted ryan to photograph us the way he wanted to. three of the prettiest film camera’s hung from his neck and he was soooo excited to snap some shots of us in front of these rad rustic looking apple crates he’d found.
++++
lucas would not look up.
no really.
eyes straight to the ground.
complete with the perfect frown.
then the wind. oh! the wind! it was so cold!
ryan snapped away anyways. we’d hear him say, “awesome! this is amazing!” he was in his creative element.
we drove to another location.
to a big open field up the road.
the wind was worse.
it was freezing.
my boys’ noses began to run.
the frowns turned to crying.
we decided to head home.
ryan and his camera’s followed us home, too.
++++
safe at home, lucas dared to look up and snap! ryan captured his amazing little boy blue eyes. luc kicked off his shoes and climbed on his bed and snap! ryan captured his wonder among his very own things. andrey and i headed out to the backyard and click, click, snap! ryan caught me in true love. we let gavin loose in the grass and click! click! click! ryan caught a ray of sun shinin’ right on my boy. and that gavin – he’s got a sideways smile just like me and i’d never noticed it before. but ryan captured it in a flash and now i see - that boy that is so much of andrey – has a tiny twinkle of me, too.
and now we have evidence. evidence on rolls of film. that we are here. that our sweet family is. that our boys have sparkly eyes. that even in chaos we still love. his cameras caught what i really see everyday. it’s amazing. want to see more?

wander over here…

she

she is:
white cake plates
izze’s in a bottle
cupcakes from scratch
hemp twine + kraft paper
happy mail
brave
the cozy brick house
their mother
noticing the little things
really good music
anthropologie catalogs
vintage books
mother’s animal cookies
bobbi brown mascara
kind
crafty brains
damsel in a dress polish
the breakfast club
my inspiration source
a “just saying hello” phone call
my dear friend.
++++
happy birthday, danyelle!
i wish so many happy things for you today.
love, lindsay

tradition. tradition!

i sent lucas to his cousins to borrow an egg. we had already started in on what is going to be our newly adopted holiday tradition. and the recipe called for one more egg.
++++
i am a sucker for tradition. i play christmas with strict rules.
a few:
-no christmas anything before december. (except egg nog. egg nog in november)
-no christmas music before the tree.
-only wrap gifts if you’re feeling extremely festive.
-watch prancer on christmas eve.
-must have hot chocolate in a mug before spying what santa has left.
-atleast one silver nordstrom box under the tree
++++
this is not my first holiday away from home.
andrey and i had our first christmas as newlyweds in our duplex.  i was so excited to “deck the halls” of our first house – so we went all out. we shoved a real evergreen into the back seat of andrey’s impala. i made gingerbread snowflakes complete with piped icing and silver dragees. we lit duraflames in our fireplace and i’m pretty sure i made andrey sing carols with me all. december. long. i clearly remember decorating the tree. andrey was wrapped up in lights – trying his best to drape them exactly how i wanted them. to the left! a little to the right!  i remember that i felt uber domestic and can recall thinking, “ok. he passes this test. he will be a good husband. we’re going to have a nice little life together – he lit my christmas tree.” we packed our suitcases and hauled the tree out to the curb days before christmas. i was going home to my parents’ and santa would be stuffing my stocking. only one christmas lesson for andrey at a time.
++++
i’m trying really hard to stick to my rules. i’m in charge this year. all on my own. we won’t be going to utah. my grandma didn’t make her yearly tri-city trek and amy’s pecan logs seem really really really far away. i’m finding that most traditions involve people that i love. like decorating the tree. i really miss my dad. every year. and we’ve somehow snuck by with this FAKE PRE-LIT thing this time around. it’s cheating. bad. i made enchiladas the other day. by myself for the first time. i wore an apron. we had ALOT of leftovers. enchiladas are usually feasted on with a giant table full of them and them. i ate mine on my bed while nursing gavin. i tried to get andrey to buy some slippers the other day. and a robe. “don’t you need these?” he looked at me funny. we’re playing santa this year. for reals – like the lucas jude boy has made requests and is counting down days. doesn’t andrey know he’s going to need a robe and slippers to do this???? he did learn the hot-chocolate-first-thing rule a few years back – but how did i forget the slippers part?
++++
i’m trying to make my own traditions. to help with the far away feeling.
so tonight we made cookies. sugar cookies. lucas was in charge – i stepped back and gave him full reign. he loved it. these cookies do not resemble snowflakes. not even close. they are smooshy, uneven and even a little burnt. they are adorable. and sooooo tasty. perfect.

i’m hoping for another year of the nativity performed by “the cousins” and some of danyelle’s cinnamon rolls for christmas morning. brunch down the street at jeff’s and hopefully – hopefully! santa will remember to fill my stocking.
++++
it’s feeling festive in this cozy house. it’s feeling fine. christmas can go ahead and come this year.

what’s your favorite holiday must-have???
we’re collecting traditions over here.

a big giant spoonful of tradition

me and cath-mom {9th & 9th – 2009}

i kept a running list on the back of a receipt while on my trip home. a list of all the good songs i heard on my mom’s xm radio during our shopping travels. it’s a good list.
++++

i hauled gavin west and one suitcase full of cardigans to utah last week. it’s tradition. we wasted no time. beginning with the c-razy beehive bazaar only hours after my plane had landed. we went non-stop until i hauled gavin west and two suitcases (one full of cardigans and the other full of gifts) home a week later.  every year is different. and this one was not to disappoint. 

9th & 9th is tradition. we dress up for the occasion. no mittens needed this year – but we had scarves. pretty ones. and boots! oh gol – did i have the boots. we graze through children’s hour. it’s our “shop around the corner” and grammy picks  a book specifically for each grandbaby. i pick a cool kid t-shirt for lucas jude and a few secret gifts. we leave them for the ladies to wrap them up with polka dots and glitter and ribbon while we skip across the street for hot chocolate and list making. this year we added in a little gavi – who last year was just a swooshing heartbeat in my belly. 

this year included susan and gus. a mama gathering. in & out burger. home cooked delish by nat and steen and jade. a shopping day with my dad. a portrait session of me done by the coolest mama with a mohawk and a little jay-z in the background. a sneak peak at an amy in love. fat dogs. a tooth! some blush pink j-crew pants. those boots. a house full of couch sleepers. anthro ornaments. jackie-boy. snow! a sick christine – which means i got to see alot of steen. embroidered peace signs and a really really good list of new songs on the back of a receipt.

++++

the flying jib – a new venture

last year i was gifted this print in mellow yellow by my oh-so-very talented brother.
he’d cut a stencil himself and spray painted the temple on graffiti style. i loved it.
the perfect way to display some religious art in our home
and still keep to the modern-ish look i was leaning towards in our little place.

after many compliments from friends and visitors,
i’ve convinced him that you all would love to have a piece of his artwork in your homes, too.
so - with a little coaxing he’s set up shop.
in limited quantities.
an original piece of art for your walls.
get ‘em while they’re hot. and before - like he says - the stencil is destroyed.
forever.
++++
plus - if this little venture goes well - it might encourage him to create something equally as cool
to stick under the tree for me this year.
get yours here - and quick!

love, lindsay