"she's my friend of all friends. she's still here when everyone's gone" -azure ray

lindsay's journal
may 16, 2001

i've got paint chipping on my toenails - my cuticles are trashed. it's flip flop season and my heals could use some serious parafin. i have really little ankles. you could fit your hand around em. my calves are weak and have no shape. my knees barely hold me up sometimes. they crack and pop and i buckle them back. i never shave passed my knees. my abs are hidden under this pudge of chub and they don't work well, so i slouch. bad. i chew my fingernails. but only just enough to keep them trim but also just enough to keep them thin and flaking. one bright blue painted pinky. a silver band on my index finger. i have an angel kiss on my right wrist. i used to hide it in my sleeve - but now i think it's pretty. but i've yet to knock the habit of pulling my sleeves down into my fists. which causes for stretched out sweaters. on both arms,though [??] i have slender wrists. i think they're pretty. i lotion my elbows plenty. my upper arm is upper arm. bone and skin. bound to sag. soon. my tired back: my back is soft and pretty - but it has plenty of knots and it aches like my knees. my neck is slender like my wrists. good for kissing. i've never really noticed my chin. so i'm guessing it's not doing anything too horrible. my pucker is a pretty pinkish with a permanant pout. my nose is a round snubbish pudge that looks right in place on my chipmunk cheeks. my eyelashes are short and sparse and my eyes are a special hazel that changes colors with my clothes. they're big and round and have been know to *sparkle. i've got tired circles all around em. giving evidence of sleepless nights and a worn out me. my ears are cute. i've punched two holes in each but don't wear earrings. my hair is a reddish-brown-shaggy-growing-out-mess. i put what i can behind my ears and the rest just does what it wants. my brain is smart in it's own ways. it feels all mixed up sometimes - but thinks on track and dreams big. my heart: awh. my heart. it's huge. dangerously tender. i'm guessing it's pink [??] it loves things it shouldn't and saves up extra compassion for the things it should. this silly/beautiful body of mine. just rented space.
+++++

i had a*love take a ton of pictures of me. trying to find one worthy to send off to my family to show them my new hair-do. after each one he'd say, "cute!" and i'd look and then say, "try again." i pulled the whole handful of portraits up on the computer and started picking them apart. lucas jude crawled up on my lap with huge eyes and said, "that's me mommia! look mommia! cuuuuuuute. i so pwoud of you!" then he climbed right down and was off to play. i stared at my picture after that. so familiar. i see her everyday. i judge and pick her apart everyday. no wonder she's tired. i just want to change her. wish she was more like this. more like that. she's lucas's mother. prettiest thing he's ever seen. andrey's been married to her for five years this week. he adores her, too. she was once {still am most of the time} some cath-mama's baby and some daddy's little girl, who loved every inch of her. so this picture that i wasn't even going to send my family. gets posted here. things for her are going to change. starting now.
these are five things about her that i love:

tomorrow i will:
wake up early
take a fast walk
eat real food

and you will:
post a picture of your pretty little self on your blog and point out five things you love about her.

goodnight you, lin