Sunday, September 9, 2007
"what comes is better than what came before... and you better come to me. better run... run, run to me" -cat power
coming and going. isn't that just it? we're always just coming and going. me, anyways. it's been a long time since i was just... hmmm... settled in. and holding still. years long, i've realized. it's always something else for me. what's next? what to look forward to? it's what keeps me going. right now, it's moving. 10 more days and i'll pack up our bus and travel with my lucas boy back over the mountains. back to where we came from. we'll meet up with da-deee/my love and start over again.
so here i go. both coming and going. i've got this little something- this lump right here in my throat. it's been there since we signed the papers for the house. and the tears... right there at the brim. waiting to spill over. it will be right after i've buckled lukey in his seat. i'll squeeze my sisters and kiss presley's cheeks. my mom will hand over my road-trip-survivor-kit and they'll come flooding out. that's what it always looks like when i'm going. in the meantime everything is... "when i get to washington i will."
when i get to washington i will:
-start my diet... again.
-paint the house/some art
-wake up early
-play with lukey-j instead of elmo playing with lucas
-write more letters
-pay more attention to my husband
-i'll indulge in microwave popcorn plus reese's pieces and dr. pepper
-lay on the couch
-ignore the piles of laundry downstairs
-sleep in waaaaay too late
-plop in roooBOTS, again.
-avoid all emails awaiting replies
-miss my husband dearly
isn't that how it goes with me, though? procrastinate. ignore. wallow. lovely, eh?
i'm feeling very "the glass is half empty" these days. i am afraid of this move. afraid that we're taking steps backwards. isn't that weird of me? afraid that i'll be sitting in my sparkling new house thinking up our next move. unable to sink my feet in and start checking things off my list. unsatisfied and waiting for what will be coming next for us. i can't be like that. i hate to be like that.
coming and going. with lucas it's always going. he's always off and running somewhere. which explains why all pictures of him right now are of the back of his head. this kid... he takes leaps. big giant ones. he'll scope out the scene and then... just... jump. i love that about him. because i am not that way. i scope out the scene. then scope it out some more. weigh all pros and cons. then maybe dip my feet. no giant leaps here.
mmmmm. can you just taste the melancholy?
cat power lyrics twice in a row. lucky yous!