Wednesday, March 3, 2010

“it’s been so long… i don’t know what to say” –emiliana torrini

everyday song   dance 031

awww.  this feels really good. it’s been weeks, you know.
the sun has been shining around here. our days have been good. but somehow i feel like i’ve skipped doing the “lindsay-girl things” for a little while now. the things that make me… well, me.
so i’ve shut things down over here. the doors are locked, the dishwasher humming, boys snoring, iTunes on play and i’m hearing some of my favorites for the first time in a long time. a minute to purge thoughts – and i’m not really sure what’s going to come out. i like this. i really, really do.

a friend and i talked once about how it got on our nerves when people would say, “i just don’t have time to blog/paint/create/bake/do-things-i-love” because we just figured that if you really wanted to do those things – that you’d make the time. however – somehow i’ve felt lately like there wasn’t even a small snitch of time to make. i think i sort of gave up, really. it’s the winter fog. i’m sure of it. but that’s lifting, friends. the sun was so sunshiney today and we spent most of the afternoon outside. vitamin d tastes so good to my silly soul. so so good.

i dug through those boxes a few weeks ago. you know the ones i found all that love art in? i almost didn’t recognize myself in them. read through my journals and could not believe that was me. sorted through pictures and notes/wishes/dreams of this someday. this one with babies to grow and rock. a good strong husband to love. an apron to wear and muffins to make.

but this someday is wearing me out. i’m tired. really, really tired. 

so who am i anyways? if i was not andrey’s wife and luc and gavi’s mum all the day long – who would i be?
i think i’d still be her. that girl up there with the stripey socks and hemp shoes. pant legs rolled up. maybe i’d have had the time to soak in some good new music instead of just sitting down with the tried and true ones. i used to love that. i’d go on a long drive. alone. and not worry of hurrying home. i’d have bought that gigundo canvas at the craft store and after typing this blog i’d be turning the music up loud and dipping my brush. i’d sit at barnes & noble for hours reading magazines and maybe even start a book. i’d have said “yes” to friday night. i’d take a big long deep lindsay-girl breath.

i miss myself. my all-by-myself  self.
have you seen her?


  1. so well said. i love it. I was just thinking that today (you will see on my post) i'm at the beach, and i'm like: i just want to freaking sit her and feel the sun on my skin. I don't want to chase after you, and yell at you and and and...i just want to sit. i have some times to myself, maybe more than most young moms, but i don't think i ever savor it enough when i get it. we've got to practice that. each little moment has to be savored. here's to us- moms that need a freaking moment. xo.

  2. Love it. You really are so eloquent in your writing. I love how you are actively aware to keep the "Lindsay Girl" inside of you and not let yourself be overrun by all the other things in life. That is a lesson I constantly struggle with as I have managed to seriously overbook myself with things.

  3. Great post. I think we all struggle with this. At every stage of life there are different things that define who we are. While I was in high school/college it was that I was social and fun. While I was single and graduated from college, it was that I was a career woman. Now I just have to find what defines me now, and make it who I long as it's positive. Still trying to figure what that is, but one thing that we all are, no matter what stage we are in, is a daughter of God. \

    By the way, I can think of a million amazing things that define you....seriously can I have some of your talents???

  4. Ahhh, the lifelong question we all struggle with, it's amazing how over the years the more I give myself to my kids and husband the more I become what I've always really wanted to be, it all fits and the things you decided to give up were obviously not on the top importance list. The things that have always longed to come out, be painted, be sung (in my case) have just changed a little, a little bit less what's in it for me and a little bit more how does this help the world, you should hear our new family tunes!

  5. wife/mommy. jobs I know were created to teach me how to be as He is. that is why i am here. but it is oh so hard sometimes. i guess becoming is supposed to be that way. (i have to remind myself this oft)

    don't worry. you are still there. for now, you can find yourself in the ins and outs of two little boys. little creative projects that sometimes talk back and keep you from sleep. the best part is that you will forever be able to find yourself in them. even when they are all growed up!

    love this post.

  6. Such a great post. I felt like I had lost myself for a long while. I had taken some detours that were not on my original plan. I am finding out who I am again. Rediscovering my wishes and dreams and my essential core, and finding a new path that combines the old me with the new, more experienced one. The wishes and the realities. I am learning to be a better, more refined me and that makes me a better mom, wife, friend. But I had to take some time to remember.
    I am glad you are remembering her. Your old you. That girl and this woman are both amazing people. And they are even better because of each other.

  7. I love the way you write. It's beautiful to read. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.

  8. I think we were meant to be friends...because those are my thoughts. The more I become Thomas's wife...the more I become Tegon's momma...the more I become this little one inside me momma...the more I give to these three people that I have chosen to enter my life, the more I think I've lost myself. But then I remember that I chose to have this... because Thomas was the soul that came into my life for me to love completely, Tegon was the boy babe for me to love completely and soon this girl babe will be here for me to love completely and they are who I am. And all the talents that I have that I don't have 'time' to do anymore, well, they are the extras. They are just on hold. On hold just long enough for me to spend my time with my babes and help them grow, so that someday they will have those talents that they will have to put on hold. But we will all have the time when those babes are big enough to be on their own...and we will wish we had that time back. But in the meantime...I just cherish those small glimpses of who I am or was and cherish those times that I do get to spend 'being' me. Love you friend.

  9. I think you said it all so well. I completely agree that we make the time to do the things that we love & as the fog lifts, time will creep back in. We weren't meant to lose ourselves in our sacrifice, & you'll find your hemp shoe wearing music loving self soon. Plus, you'll be even better because of the hard times you're facing right now. Hang in there. Don't give up! I know barely anything about you, other than you always seem to make it out on the other side. Be patient with yourself. You aren't lost; just playing a little hide-&-go-seek!

  10. I love your thoughts and the comments here. I can so relate.

    As I lose myself in the service of my family, I find myself. I find that I am becoming who I really want to be. If I'm being really honest with myself, I am happiest when I am being selfless. Even though the world tells me I will find happiness when I focus on me, I have found the opposite to be true.

    All of that said, it's not easy. I still want to search for new music, and do the things that are fun for me, which is all okay, as long as I realize that my most important role in life is wife and mother. It is this amazing tight rope balance and some days, I fall off. But, gratefully, there are fresh new days to start over and walk the tight rope again.


  11. I love reading your thoughts. You said it best for sure. I think we all feel the same way. Thanks for sharing your adorable personality and incredible talents with me. Love ya!

  12. I feel the same way and vow to take a trip by myself with my camera to reconnect. It's hard to find these moment when you are a parent, but so very important, eh...