run lucas run

reminder.

2012-01-25T23:15:00.000-08:00

we've had a few really good days.

and today was no exception.

...but it started too early.

and by four o'clock it had lost it's happy-go-lucky.

i was a tired and burnt out mom.

they were one-and-nearly-three-and-five-and-a-half-year-old boys.

they were c-razy.

and i got grumpy at lucas.

enough so that i felt i owed him an apology before bed tonight.

all he was today - was a wiley little boy - cooped up in january.
and i forgot that for a minute.

+++

tonight i am grateful that he accepted my whispered i'm sorry.

with a simple i know.

tonight i am grateful that i'll get to try again with him tomorrow.

tonight i am grateful for this journal of my thoughts.

the ones i've kept here on this blog consistently for all these years... because tonight i found this.

and he's five. already.

the daily:

2012-01-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

morning snow.

2012-01-18T12:39:00.000-08:00

january finally decided to get real.

we got snow last night.

big snow.

the magic kind.

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the boys went to bed with clear skies and silly talk of a big storm.

they woke up to a blanket of happy white stuff.

it's still falling fast.

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as much as i hate this kind - i can't help but giggle at their excitement.

they've already been out twice. thirty minutes to get ready. ten minutes out.

and charlie! his first real snow!

he snuck out for a minute, too.

and he was a shivering little silly - in love.

be more.

2012-01-12T22:43:00.000-08:00

this is perfect.

add color.

2012-01-09T16:23:00.000-08:00

my personal theme for twenty-twelve is to be more.

be more of a mother. be more of a wife. be more of a friend. be more of lindsay.

it's an easy enough mantra.

quick to come to mind when i feel more like sneaking off quietly.
and back into my shell.

+++

this is what being more looked like last week.

it was colorful and so very sweet.

he hummed while he painted.

and my heart sang.

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be more.

2012-01-04T10:41:00.001-08:00

making a new list for a new year.

2011-12-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

tucked in my desk drawer is a letter i wrote myself last new year's eve. i'm anxious to read and remember what that girl wrote to this girl. i've been writing new year's letters to myself since high school. it's the best way to see my growth from year to year. to write down secret wishes and remind myself of what's really in my heart. setting goals. and making them.

i love to gather the ones i'm celebrating with around the table. pour us all a glass of something bubbly, turn up some good music and pass out these little cards. andrey and i keep ours up on the refrigerator and love to remind each other of the things we'd hoped for ourselves throughout the year. we write our dear me letters and seal them up tight. we ask the littles their favorites and giggle a bunch when we read them their answers from last year. i like to have them draw me a picture of themselves on the back - so that we can see how their drawings have changed during the year, too.

would you like to join us?
i worked up our new kits last week and asked my dear friend danyelle of dandee designs to style and photograph them for me. a quick little collaboration that will hopefully have us all doing the same thing this coming new year's eve night.
making resolutions. together.
the kind we'll want to keep.

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download your printable resolution kits here.
print as many as you need. and be sure to let me know if you post about your goals! i'd love to know what you'll be up to this year.

this holiday | stoyan-house edition

2011-12-26T23:54:00.000-08:00

+++

i'm going to count this holiday twenty-eleven as one of my faves.

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there was a moment on christmas eve.

watching those silly boys in front of our sparkle tree.

and my heart swelled to huge.

i dreamt of this once. i thought to myself.

and then tucked them sweetly into bed.

+++

we made memories this year.

it was magic.

merry christmas!

2011-12-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

the elements for our holiday card this year were from the lovely tags

by Hey Look. go print some out for your last minute wrappings!
+++
this years family portrait was snapped by k. andelin.

a winter song.

2011-12-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

written last week. and tucked away.
thinking i'll post it tonight - so my mother can take my thoughts with her to fernwood tomorrow.

+++
the grief surprises me sometimes. but as soon as the ache begins – i remember it. i shake my head, bury my head in my hands and take a deep breath. i’ve felt the familiar for a few days now. a heavy quiet - sitting right on my heart. i expected it to come with the puttingup of lights, the sipping of hot drinks, of mittens and boots.

i didn’t make the trip this year. my yearly trek over the mountains. for a 9^thand 9^th shopping trip and christmas card making with my mother. for lots of reasons, really - i’m not there this time. am wishing for it, tonight.
we started our tradition when lucas was a babe. two thousand and seven. i met briana then. at carlucci's bakery. in the back corner table. cath couldn't wait to share her with me. she sipped hot tea and chatted birth and life for an hour or so. the next year was the 'change is coming' house meeting. we exchanged gifts at the salt lake city library. two thousand and nine was a blackwelder booth at the beehive bazaar with in + out burgers after.

+++
last year on these days – i was in that city with my three dearest friends. i’dimagined that we’d have a free night to huddle together at briana’s. that she’dteach us how to make homemade marshmallows and i’d get to share her space withthe holiday trimmings up. wedidn’t try very hard to make it happen – other adventures came up and insteadof an entire night in her company we got a quick hello as she hurried out thedoor with my mother on their way to a holiday gift exchange.

a few days later after my friends had gone home to their families – baby charlie and i headed out for TheChildren’s Hour with my mom in her li’l red mini. bri wanted to meet upwith us. to share hot drinks. tosnuggle charlie. to catch up for a minute before i headed back to washington. we kept being in just the wrong place at just the wrong time. we kept missing ameet-in-middle. and i wasn’t trying very hard to make it happen, either. i was feeling selfish andwanted my mom to myself - and so itdidn’t.
i love looking back in retrospect. to seethings for how they were then and how they are now.

i am wishing for a different story tonight. am wishing i was looking back at homemademarshmallows and good music. at tea shared on 9^th in mugs withmittens.

+++
tonight the grief came with the words to winter song.
…that you’re not where you belong... insidemy arms.

am wishing that she was with the people she belonged to tonight.
am wishing that she was with candice. that they’d trimmed that tree together.
that she was with cath tonight. while chuck’s out of town. giggling andtincture sharing. up so late.
am wishing she was with tess and that chubbybaby. knitting him some first christmas gifts and making felt birds together.
am wishing she was with rachel and that belly.
and i guess that maybe… she is.

gift stitching/swapping.

2011-12-07T10:38:00.001-08:00

as with most things that i do - i procrastinated until the VERY last minute to get my swap gifts together. i signed up for the freshly picked + ardor gift swap back in october. and didn't get started until the night before they needed to hit the post office.

lucas helped with the fabric picking and that ended up being my favorite part. i don't love the actual sewing quite as much as i love the planning, picking and purchasing. running the linens and crisp cottons through my fingers. once i got going though, i remembered what it felt like to make something. i didn't love them that night. in fact i almost threw them in the garbage. (this is an effect of manic late night sewing sessions) but i loved them in the morning. i love the texture these pretty little things have. the hemp. the wood. the tiny 'x' sewing on the button. i really really love them.

danyelle shared her packaging stash with me. lucky, huh. and i used my favorite olive manna stamp on the front of her paper bags. a little swatch of gold striped washi tape and these were on their way. happy? yes!

my machine is still out on the kitchen table. like the old, old days. crossing projects off my long list of stitching to-do's. using up fabric that i've been hoarding in galvanized buckets for years. making things for our cozy christmas house and some things for gift-giving-away. any requests? get 'em in now. not sure how long this sewing binge will last.

one of my swap partners (who also just happens to be a dear friend + neighbor) was asking me how i learned to sew. i was pregnant with lucas and had just discovered amy butler's beautiful fabrics. a diaper bag was made with the help of my mom on an old borrowed machine. a year or so later i discovered my friends jen way, leslie keating, allyson hill, and the blog wee wonderful's. i was so inspired! andrey gifted me my pretty machine that christmas and i would sit down in the basement and stitch away while the rest of the house slept. i'd listen to some of the early brandi carlile in my head phones while my machine hummed along. with fabric picked on shopping trips with ashlee and our baby boys. obsessed with the look of my top stitch. it was calming. and happy.

deck these halls.

2011-12-06T00:26:00.001-08:00

we've been busy.

getting the holiday's on over here.

decking the halls. counting the days.

and missing the ones we love. terribly.

this house is the coziest it's ever been.

it feels so happy and so good in here.

+++

i am always amazed at what happens when i put away my expectations

and just let these boys go free.

tonight turned out to be one of the sweetest/messiest/happiest ever.

just ask charlie.

tis the season:

2011-11-30T00:34:00.001-08:00

we pulled the red holiday box out last night.

spent the evening decorating the tree with my boys.

then re-decorating the tree after they'd gone to bed.

as soon as the lights go on - the magic begins.

wintersong in my ears.

candy cane hot cocoa in my cup.

this year:

yarn pom garland.

navy blue + pumpkin orange.

and glitter. the gold kind.

on my wish list:

tell me - what are you wishing for?

full heart.

2011-11-24T13:11:00.001-08:00

late nights. date nights. a sliver moon. felicity re-runs. leftover broccoli + potato soup. dried craspedia. eames knock-off's. empty calendar days. five year old how-do-you-spell-it's. saying hello! crisp clean sheets. hot showers. argyle socks. love note texts. baby wrists. red starbuck's cups. old friends. old sweatshirts. warm cookies. earlybird on insta. the mini van. peace signs. andrey. lucas. gavin. charlie. peppermint in winter. peach in spring. yellow. sharp pencils.that song. on repeat. worn-out chucks. legos. everywhere. dog-earred book corners. trusting my gut. following my heart.

oh... and pumpkin pie.

happy thanksgiving, you.

love, lin

sunday quiet.

2011-11-20T21:26:00.001-08:00

am grateful for:

+++

three squeaky clean boy-lies. this morning.

the ride home from church - a mini full of handsome ones. that belong to me.

a loooong sunday afternoon nap. in my bed.

sweats. the ugliest and most comfy ones.

the sunday quiet. to hear my heart.

am listening.

and you?

morning song.

2011-11-14T10:33:00.001-08:00

this is wake up: round two.

it met us with a little sun.

+++

charlie started singing early today.

he was singing to the moon. that early.

lucas made them both a bowl of honey nuts.

charlie nursed + played + sang some more.

...then squealed to be put back to bed.

+++

me? i found my way back under the covers and cozied up with gavin.

he'd slept through all of round one.

+++

okay. okay.

we'll get up today...

the tiny common things

2011-11-09T16:23:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking a lot about the art of being happy.

trying to pay attention to the tiny common things that thump my heart.

+++

i go through phases.

i play favorites.

i am a creature of comfort.

my current happy things:

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haribo happy-cola gummi's.

a bag has happily found it's way into my grocery cart on my last few shopping trips. and it made my day when i snuck a peek into the candy shop at the mall and saw that they had a jar full waiting for me. one scoop or two? two!

my olive manna lined stamp.

i'd been saving it in my stash. waiting for the perfect something to ink it up with. now i can't stop. letter envelopes, surprise gifts, grocery lists, book plates, treat labels. and it makes me happy every single time. can totally see the beginnings of a rubber stamp obsession.

dixon ticonderoga pencils.

the best kind. i'm sort of a snob about what i write with. writing has to feel good. a super sharp tinconderoga is my current go to. the graphite is so smooth and they're made of real wood so they feel solid. and for some reason i'm all over the 'erasing things' instead of just crossing them off.

cloth bound penguin classics.

a new collection. a friend gifted me my first and a few months ago i finally snatched up the second on a special night out. they are so pretty. i love that starting a good collection also means that they will each have to find their way to me. i'm going to collect slowly and remember where they each came from. and read them, too! can you believe i've never read a jane austen book? gasp!

right now:

2011-11-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

it's cold.

i have a cold.

it's dark.

too early.

i'm bored.

this is so boring.

but the music's good.

and so is the company.

2011-11-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

tradition.

2011-10-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

third year in a row.

caramel apples with my besties.

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only this this year, i did round two.

we needed MORE!

you'll need:

-apples. pretty round ones. i chose gala's.

-caramel bits. one bag covers five (or so) apples.

-white chocolate chips

-brown sugar

-cinnamon

+++

-milk chocolate chips

-coconut

be sure to wash your apples in hot water.

this melts the shiny wax off and will help the caramel to stick a little better.

prepare a cookie sheet with waxed paper sprayed with cooking spray.

i used the double broiler method to melt my sweets. it was easier not to burn them that way.

i'm very good at burning things.

i dipped the apples in caramel first. then let them cool completely in the fridge while melting my chocolate chips.

i frosted on the chocolate, (i liked that look better than the dipping method) sprinkled on the toppings, then back to the fridge for more chilling.

+++

the funnest part? packaging them up.

-black grosgrain ribbon

-manila tags - initialed.

+++

and then delivered!

one birthday.

2011-10-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

charlie grey turns one!

photos by: danyelle mathews + kristin andelin + me.

custom cake toppers by: roxana barrus for roxy marj

the circle game.

2011-10-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

on this day last year:

my belly was big. and tight.

my mommy was here - baking a baby-be-born-soon pie.

+++

there were cranberries.

and a crumbly topping.

crisp apples.

cinnamon.

and lot's and lot's of love.

+++

we tucked ourselves in for the night

...and then there was a babe.

2011-10-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

right now:

2011-10-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

this is very quickly becoming my favorite time of the day.

my time.

+++

am loving:

ryan adams. without the cardinals.

it's like finding a long lost friend.

mmmm. missed that voice.

and it's full of A-plus-L-equals-true-love dancing songs.

am loving:

cath's new space.

can't wait for her to fill it with new words.

and loved the one-in-the-morn phone calls until we got it right.

am loving:

my husband back to building houses. and not apartments.

we can breathe again.

and he comes home happy from a day spent doing work that he really truly loves.

that is so lucky.

am loving:

the peaceful light.

the lamp on at eight o'clock in the evening.

the curtains drawn.

my favorite part of these few cozy months.

am loving:

feeding my family. good food.

food from my own stovetop.

from my own warm oven.

and discovering that i can.

we call these russian donuts 'round here.

only andrey actually says something like donuts in russian.

he says they're just like some sweet little pastries that his mom used to make.

...and he'd hide them in his pockets.

+++

i've been stuffing my own boys' bellies up with them.

hoping that they'll remember them too, someday.

this kind of day.

2011-10-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

it's raining outside.

it was a downpour - now it's just a drizzle.

and it doesn't smell like pretty rain - it smells like worms.

and the sky is gray.

this is not the good kind.

+++

it matches my mood.

i woke up in one.

and since it's raining - i can't escape the laundry pile.

not helping.

the only cure for this - is adventure.

and finding a good song to match.

+++

it's gonna be iron + wine. from around the well. i'm pretty sure.

and it's a good thing i've got the cutest plaid umbrella,
this side of the blue bridge.

'cause me and those gavi feets - we're going out.

+++

cath, get those rain boots on the big brown truck and headed this way. stat!

for sippin' pumpkin steamers on:

2011-10-07T00:41:00.000-07:00

i'm still awake.

12:37 a.m.

+++

tryin' to convince myself into (or is it out of) those pillows.

and that rug.

to change it up around here for the seasons.

only i can't find any curtain panels.

or i'd have clicked 'buy' and gone to bed a loooong time ago.

help me?

pillows | throw | pillow | rug

little fox. eleven months.

2011-10-03T23:39:00.000-07:00

we went through a long list of names before settling on charlie.

and an even longer one before we came to charlie grey.

he was almost harper.

we rolled the two around in our hearts for days after he was born.

said them both out-loud. over and over and over again.

+++

in the end - the decision was mine.

i played it this way:

if he was charlie - would i miss harper?

if he was harper - would i miss charlie?

i missed charlie more.

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i had a dream about a red fox when this little bub was growing in my belly.

and every time i imagined him after that, i pictured his sly foxy totem.

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his almost middle names: true, red, fox, wild or blue.

decided on: grey. because of the gray morning rain on the day he was born.

and well... because it just sounded so. very. handsome.

i should have gone with fox. or wild. or red.

his dark baby hair has slowly faded to strawberry. here to stay.

+++

this boy has a wild heart. and i knew it all along.

it thumped his wild heart message to me while i dreamt and he grew.

this little red fox of mine.

+++

wild fox photo by Dave AC

five gratefuls:

2011-09-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

am grateful for:

the crisp fall air that stayed all day. it's here.

the GIANT salmon caught this morning. on my plate this evening.

the naive confidence of a four year old painter. creating perfection.

country songs. lately.

+++

and ryan gosling. ridiculously good looking.

you?

found + familiar

2011-09-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

i am finally feeling the fog of pregnancy-and-birthing-and-growing-babies lift with the change of the seasons. am tossing around thoughts of weaning my little nursling bundle.

+++

it's been nearly four years. four years since i've had myself to myself.

+++

with the lift of the haze comes the surge of creative energy. i feel like doing and making. which is so strange because only a few months ago i'd sworn off nearly everything creative and made plans to pack it all away.

explain that to me someone?

+++

i am anxious to see what i'll do next. i feel the excitement in my thumping heart. the get-busy in my hands. have explored through old boxes of me piled in the garage to see how i've channeled this energy in years before.

i found:

mixed tapes.

collages.

poetry.

paintings.

books.

love letters.

things i'd forgotten i'd known how to do.

+++

think i still can? think i still can.

i'm going to need some good music to do it with.

we started our get creative today. lucas has wishing and hoping that i would give him a spare hour or two to get out this printer's kit. we found it at a used toy store downtown. it's the same kit my brother and i had when we were the kids. the same yellow rubber stamps. the same bottle of blue ink.

+++

isn't it the strangest thing when your brain recognizes something so familiar.

we made a comic strip. ROgERS SPY MYSTERY - with a little g on purpose. because little g's just look so awesome! lucas has the gift of creating. an eye for the good stuff. just like me. and my brother jeffrey. and my cath-mom. and my grandpa dan. it excites him and calms him all at the same time. we spent the entire afternoon with our printer's kit. until we were nearly up to our elbows in blue ink. and maybe even a little on the tip of gavi's nose, too. gavin loved counting the letter stamps. lining them up and then reminding us over and over again, that those is NOT green ones!

i miss the mess. andrey said to me the other day.

your fabrics and projects all over the place.

your music turned up loud.

you lost in something you love.

+++

this week:

2011-09-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

i love when i have a calendar full of the best things to look forward to.

makes for a much happier monday morning. and i'm about to fill up yours, too...

+++

this tuesday you'll find me out on the columbia river soaking in the sweet sounds of the beautiful sarah sample and her guitar. marilyn is doing her very best to bring good music to the tri-cities and this show is sure to send me home happy and anxious for the next. i'm leaving the babes home with andrey and a pizza, so that i can enjoy the evening. i'll be out under the sliver of moon, singin' born to fly. wanna come? let's go together. get your ticket here. hurry!

and thank you to my dear friend, marilyn for trusting my art/heart. the time spent designing this poster for the show was a much needed creative purge. i loved it.

i'm going to make gavi a quilt.

for his own space.

this dandee post and that quilt got stuck in my brains

and i've got a pinterest board full of inspiration.

...that's as far as i've gotten.

kristin has her colors picked, but no plan.

+++

solution: girl's night. my house. with experts on hand.

this thursday. please come!

email me if you need directions.

+++

happy monday, friends!

love, lin

cathy's song.

2011-09-14T00:50:00.000-07:00

we're coming up on a year. i felt it in the moon tonight. a year since my cathy-mom pulled her li'l red coupe into my drive. here to welcome my li'l red charlie fox. while here... she planned to walk across the bridge that connects this town to the next. her camera in hand. she was going to catch a beauty shot of that harvest moon. and she did.
+++
i'm not sure what she thought about as she walked. i'm not sure what mr. moon told her that night. what i do know is that he bathed her in a light. the same light that would guide my boy to me only a few nights later. the same brave light that she would sleep under during african nights in weeks to follow. the same light that would carry her briana away only a few months after that. and the same light that would wrap her up every night since.
+++
am missing my mother.
+++
while visiting larson house this summer, i found myself in her office, among her things one afternoon while she was out. it is one of my most favorite places on the entire planet. charlie rolled around on her bright red rug while i was soaking her in. overwhelmed at how thoughtfully found and carefully placed every little thing was. i saw her. i saw pieces of everyone she loves among her things. i grabbed my camera and i couldn't stop.

+++

i wondered if you could say the same about me. would you find meaning and love among my things? if you visited my space would you find warmth and comfort in the evidence left behind by me?

there is something so sacred about being in someone else's space when they aren't there. i felt lucky in my connection to her. that this beautiful heart of a woman was my mother.

when briana died i wondered about her things. her purse. her keys. her pillow. her tea mugs. they were just things. things she couldn't take with her. things she'd left behind. but i couldn't move passed them. those were the thoughts that would wake up with me in the middle of the night. those first nights.

those same thoughts consumed me while i snapped away with my camera in my mom's office that afternoon. i wanted to catch things exactly as my mother had left them. so i could go back and see them the way that she sees them.

+++

i snapped this photo a few days later while coming down from upstairs. music playing. lamp light on. majestic-dog tucked under foot.

am wishing she was tucked in her room over here tonight.

just like last year.

am wishing to wake up to her tomorrow morn.

+++

in my ears: kathy's song. simon + garfunkel. covered by eva cassidy.

a little tom petty in my ears today.

2011-09-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

this is exactly how i'd imagined/hoped that back-to-school would be. lucas safely tucked into his classroom down the street and the little boys tucked quietly in their beds for afternoon naps.

+++

tom petty free fallin'
in my speakers.
it's peaceful and perfect.

free time. for me.

+++

i'm thinking i'll dip some apple slices in peanut butter while i catch the premier of the rachel zoe project, again.

+++

but first! happy news!

finally. finally! this girl has got herself an iPhone.
and i'm in love.

in love with instagram.

i knew i would be.

my profile: (lovely_lindsay)

what's yours?

in love with flipping through pinterest while waiting in the kinder pick-up line. you can follow my pin boards here, too.

and especially in love with designing my own wallpaper for this pretty little gadget of mine. click on that image pattern up there to get one for yourself, too. happy, right?

+++

do you know of any other apps i need? any iPhone tips?

off to watch my show. cross you fingers that i've got at least another hour of naps to enjoy.

love, lin

grow happy:

2011-09-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

happy birthday, lady.

keep a watch out on the front steps for the mail truck.

we'll be celebrating you waaaaay over here,

with a box of old fashioned cake donuts + a jug of milk.

+++

love, linny

kinder! survived.

2011-08-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

from this to this.

i love this boy.

a spoonful of bravery

2011-08-29T23:35:00.000-07:00

tomorrow we send him out into the world.

in his pocket will be:

bravery

obedience

kindness

happiness

and all of our love.

today i found myself on my knees.

several times throughout the day.

a heavy day. a heavy heart.

my list of heartache is long.

+++

over lunch lucas said to me:

how does heavenly father see everybody?

i just can't believe it... isn't it just so awesome?

did you know that jesus blessed all those kids?

they didn't think that he would

but he said, yeah, come on over here.

the answer to my prayers, my boy.
am thinking: he's going to be just fine.

+++
tomorrow we send him out into the world.
in my pocket will be:

that entire jar of hot fudge.

grow with me

2011-08-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

charlie grey : month ten

back in month two of baby charlie,

i found a brown paper package in my mailbox from my dear friend, susan.

a tiny pair of gray moccasins for for my teensy-tiny baby boy.

she'd made them herself.

the leather, so smooth. the fringe, oh my goodness. the gift, such a treasure.

+++

we're in the last few days of our gray baby moccs.

his little charlie feets can barely slip in anymore.

his toes are squished.

i've snuck them on all this week saying, just one more time...

+++

they'll go in his save box.

my secret collection.

so i can peek in on the quiet days.

reminders of the first few months of my charlie boy.

when his wisps of baby hair still held a hint of red.

and his grin - just one little tooth.

my oldest nephew just had his twelfth birthday.

and in a quick moment last sunday
his mother whispered to me, that happened so fast...

+++

golden

2011-08-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

make new friends

but keep the old

one is silver

the other gold.

+++

wishing i could go collecting.

+++

old friends and new friends.

old loves and true loves.

gather them up.

put them all in one place.

+++

wishing for just a minute -

to connect again with each path that's ever crossed with mine.

+++

wanting to pull in my kite strings.

every single one.

a nest.

2011-08-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

i'm busy making nests.

a get-ready-for-kindergarten one for lucas.

think: robot lunch box + orange shoe laces

a big boy one for gavin.

think: toddler bed and lot's of his favorite color.

green.

+++

when i made this little nest for charlie - i didn't know him yet.

didn't know his name. or that he'd have a magic hint of red fox in his baby hair.

i collected treasures for him and made him a little baby space next to my bed.

charlie grey: keeps growing.

we're going on ten months already, folks.

he's standing on his own.

nearly walking.

we've changed his bassinet to crib and moved it into the other room.

and he sleeps in it!

and now i'm ready to make him a new space.

there is some rearranging to be done.

some de-junking of the junk room.

some walls to be painted - i'm thinking the color of linen.

or oatmeal. thoughts?

+++

i love building little boy nests.

such a happy mama bird.

one.two.three.four.five.six.seven.eight.

to market, to market

2011-08-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

salt lake city - farmer's market

we filled our basket with:

a bundle of crisp radishes

the prettiest gingerbread cookie

one cinnamon bun

the coolest 9th + 9th print

a batch of noodles for dinner

one fresh strawberry birthday pie

we filled our bellies with:

one rico's black bean + cheese burrito

a bottle of mexican coca-cola

we filled our charlie's belly with:

nibbles of his first tiger's blood sno-cone

home-a-gain home-a-gain

jiggity - jig

+++

my favorite things:

2011-08-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

a boy + a good book.

+++

lucas and i found the sweetest treasure the other afternoon.

come read me here to find out more.

love, lindsay

park silly, utah

2011-07-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

our first day in utah:

we loaded the mini-van up bright and early with stoyan boys, a pretzel-girl, my mama, and auntie gina. we listened to gavi's high pitched squeals (and some brandi carlile, too) all the way through parley's canyon and into park city. off to have lunch at ali's with her boys. at her beautiful home in the mountains. her beautiful home.

+++

they met us on the front steps and invited us in for the happiest afternoon.

we trip-trapped across the creek bridge. we dig-dig-dug in the new sandbox. we soared on the swing-set and filled our bellies with delish.

am wishing for a home next door. to wake up to those mountains. and that sky.

+++

am wishing to be neighbors. for a million minutes more to sit and visit without chasing boys. to talk gavin's (she has one, too) and birth stories, and get those recipes. to snap more pictures of jumping boys. and brothers.

i almost lost my gavin to that landscape. pretty sure he was seriously contemplating a jump over the creek in those wheels. he'd reach the mountains in no time. pretty sure he is still talking about that trampoline. in the living room. and how seriously awesome that was. yup, he is.

+++

so grateful for new friends. we'll be back for sure.

love, lin

home, again.

2011-07-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

home.

back to stoyan house.

+++

slept in my own bed last night.

woke up this morning to our regular old everyday:

swimming lessons

lawn mowing

laundry baskets

nap times

vacuuming the roadtrip crumbs

and neighborhood errands.

+++

i missed my space.

i missed the smell of this place.

but right now:

i'm missing them.

the steady stream of loves that collect themselves at larson house

during the day - and during the night.

i told my dad:

"that says something about you, ya know.

that people want to be here.

...in your home. and don't ever want to go."

freshly picked: craft night

2011-07-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

instagram via: susan of freshly picked

hey utah!
the stoyan boys + i have extended our trip a bit longer.
couldn't pull away just yet.
+++
lucky for me - that means i'll get to attend susan's craft night tomorrow.
get all the details here!
that susan, she's so hip it hurts.
hoping to get a jump start on my bracelets for jen's swap.
i'm on my way to pick out my embroidery floss, right now!
am thinking sunshine yellow + summer lime, for sure.

join me?
i'd love to see your face.
+++
let me know if any of you SLC'ers wanna hop a ride in the mini.
i'll save you a seat right next to charlie grey
and i'm pretty sure he'll let you mug on his chubby baby cheeks
the whole. way. there.
love, lindsay

you belong to us.

2011-07-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

dear bub:
we made it. the drive was a piece of cake. i'm getting so good at this! this boy juggling and driving and rock n' rolling for nearly 700 miles. pendleton hill to burley, idaho was kenny loggins, anthony & flea, bob and a little august and everything after. classics from my old school stash. lucas looooooves 'your mama don't dance' and i can't believe in all of his five years i'd never played it for him.

before we knew it we were pulling onto grammy's drive. the little apartment is all set up for us downstairs. the mini-fridge is stocked with shots of coca-cola, izze's in a can and vanilla milk boxes for our wild boys. there's even a secret drawer for gavin - a chocolate chip stash! it's like our very own bed & breakfast. sooooo cozy.

we spent today traveling parley's canyon into park city for lunch with new friends and even in to wyoming for just a minute. long enough to buy gigantic firework's and meet my grandma for sherbet cones at the corner soda shop. big plans just like that are in the works for the next week - but we're missing you.

i'm just barely getting the last of our boys to bed. gavin whimpered and asked for you until his eyes drooped shut and closed for the night. i am exhausted. i'm realizing tonight how much we run this stoyan-ship together, me and you.
+++
we need you. really, we do.

your instructions:
sleep all.night.long! lock the doors! wear sunscreen! no climbing on steep roofs! go fishing! fill your belly with hot dogs and pizza! don't forget to feed the the kobe-beta! watch lot's of sports! and miss us! lot's.
love you...

me.

2011-07-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

i love to mow the lawn.

i love to sleep in.

i love to sleep. period.

i still love what was in my cd case during the year 2000.

i love watching my husband eat sushi with chopsticks. i hate sushi. i think.

i love sitting on the floor in the library between rows of biographies.

i love when my pandora station is being run by the heavens.

i love when mr. rogers goes to the crayon factory.

i love stripes on baby bums.

i love that charlie-baby.

i love the first slurp of a big huge cold coke. with crunchy ice and a straw.

i love breakfast at eggs in the city. in december.

i love the indigo girls.

i love going through my 'save' drawer and finding old treasures.

i love seattle with christine. once.

i love lacie's pizza couch circa 1998.

i love the smell of swimming pools.

i love andrey at the beach. someday.

i love the perfect big comfy concert t-shirt.

i love their names. lucas jude, gavin west + charlie grey.

i love writing letters with a good ink pen. (right now: bic Z4 0.5)

i love high school art class with mr. holmquist.

i love singing as sisters in zion in relief society.

i love reading 'me' in old journal entries.

i love calling SARK's answering machine. i have for years. (try it: 415.546.3742)

i love a new blank notepad. a steno notepad.

i love old JANE magazines.

i love when someone gets birth.

i love reality bites. over and over and over again.

i loved blogging this nonsense list.

your turn.

nursling.

2011-07-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

no words for this minute of my day.

this minute was magic.

+++

listen up:

2011-06-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes the universe

(or your jones' soda)

speaks.

loud + clear.

fickle. and a freckle.

2011-06-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

in my ears:

pandora's lullaby station

playing from charlie's room

lucas grew a freckle. can you see it? right there. on the side of his nose. we could not be more excited about such things. there are a few photos of my boys that make my eyes well up. images that will be burned into my mama brain forever. no matter how big they grow. this is one. captured yesterday in our excitement at the appearance of this new summer discovery. he climbed up onto the bathroom sink and studied his face in the mirror. i love lucas jude. did you know that? cause, i do.

i finished the last of a few to-do's on my calendar today. a few projects that were demanding my attention while wiley boys longed for something real of me.

decided: no more to-do's this summer. only wake up days with nothing but boy adventures on our plate. doesn't that sound like the best thing in the world? i'm gonna make it happen. he's going to lead the way this season.

+++

have decided to pack up the craft room/studio. a shelf of craft supplies that have really gone un-used for the last year or so. a sewing machine sitting on a big table that's only made a stitch or two in a looooong while.

i had to dust it off to sew something the other day.

i am very capable of sewing.

it didn't make my heart thump like it used to.

and all of a sudden this room feels stifling and cluttered. i'm on the hunt for a new hobby. wondering what this new season of me will be. in a previous life, i was a crafter. right, amy?

what is thumping my heart?

catching photographs.

straight out of the camera. just when i thought i needed a new lens to fix me, i snapped that perfect gem up there. will make do with what i've got.

real art.

stuff that can't be done in one sitting. stuff that will withstand. creating something that challenges me. maybe i'll trade in my craft table for an easel. and some paint. thinking of maybe setting up shop in the garage, too. instead of right here. jeffrey, do you have an easel i can borrow? would love one lesson from my grandpa. one trip to the art store with him.

+++

steen posted this today. and really, come on. how do you just keep sitting in somedays after reading that? i love her. i'm still way too scared to even say outloud what's calling my heart. what briana has left with me. but it's there and i hear it.

+++

for now - i clean out the chaos. make room for new things. grow these boys up. it starts by spending these first real days of summer with that boy up there. tomorrow we wake up different. i will report back. meet me here?

love, lin

safe.

2011-06-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

the best daddy for this home.

for these boys.

+++

happy father's day!

where are you, dog days?

2011-06-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

our no-school-summer-days,

are still overcast and cloudy.

+++

we're grateful for:

cousin asher bird

leather mitts, a real big boy baseball

and some classic big league chew.

just playin' catch - for hours.

+++

they saved the day.

i love these boys.

la la love them.

2011-06-13T00:03:00.000-07:00

the

simplest

& sweetest

end to this sunday.

xoxo,

lin

a big bonk. a big chunk of my heart.

2011-06-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

finally this saturday we decided to tackle the garage. every little thing we'd stuffed in there had been hauled out to the front yard. it looked like an awesome afternoon garage sale. the boys were riding bikes, splashing in the hose and digging through treasures that had been buried for months in the garage mess.

and then we heard it. gavi's yell. the deep cry and then silence.

you know the kind. the 'it's-bad' kind.

he'd been climbing in and out of the van and had managed to let the sliding door slam closed.

onto his head.

andrey ran to him.

no blood.

aw, good.

i scooped him up and into the house we went. i held him tight until he calmed.

and then i got a good look.

i watched his mini-gavin forehead, right at his temple - swell up.

to scary huge.

i remember having this thought:

this could go either way.

this could be really bad.

or this could be no big deal.

and then we were off.

i'm not really sure how to explain it - but since briana's accident i've been in this strange holding state.

anticipating another instant when everything will change.

i am the mother of boys.

we have bonks and cuts all the time.

do i get to have no-biggie crazy stunts anymore?

our first trip to the ER as parents of wiley boys.

+++

gavin is high maintenance.

has been from day one.

he tests my patience.

he gives me more patience.

and some days - i'm not even sure what he really needs from me as his mother.

but he is my boy.

and i was scared.

i was sort of surprised that my instincts to mother him kicked in so strongly.

that i knew exactly what to do to calm him and how to be with him.

a thorough check-up and an x-ray later, all was well.

my boy looks a little banged up - but my mama heart was reassured that he would be ok.

+++

we came home to the contents of our garage still out in the front yard.

our saturday - thankfully went on as normal.

but something in me - as the mother of gavin west - has changed.

ultimatum.

2011-06-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

it's raining outside. a steady drizzle. and the sky is soooo grey.
it's the gloomy kind.
and i want to crawl back into bed.
thankfully the mister is on his way home right this minute
and i'm going to do just that.
for an hour. pretty sure that's all i need. a good hour of deep sleep.
i've got three little boys with warm foreheads and croupy coughs.
boys who were up ALL night.
+++
apparently no one told the sunshine or my boys and their winter colds
that it is - in fact - june.

we pulled the bikes out a few weeks ago.

shined them up - hopeful for spring.

spring never showed.

+++

tried again this weekend.

hopeful for a switch in seasons.

and i had all these happy summer thoughts.

+++

if things don't turn around by tomorrow

mister sun - i'm pulling the uggs back out.

and none of us really want that, now do we?

lucas-judey-jude

2011-05-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

i can't believe that this boy is already THIS boy.

only a year-and-a-half later.

soooooo not wanting his picture taken.

those are trading cards in his shirt pocket.

and there are stripe-y socks inside those big boy shoes.

+++

my lukey requests that we call him luc or lucas.

and pours himself a bowl of cheerios (with a spoonful of sugar)

all before waking me in the morning.

and THAT boy down there graduated from pre-school on friday.

and i'm not even kidding.
+++

we are walking the line of little boy wonder and big boy curiosity.

i want to keep his imagination wild.

keep the magic in rainbow tie-dyed head-to-toe suits.

and mittens on both hands in the middle of spring.

+++

i don't want anyone to tell him otherwise.

not yet.

connect.

2011-05-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

PROJECT: craft was the cake. the icing for me and danyelle was the chance to get a bunch of people that loved all of the things that we love in the same room at the same time. we hoped that we would make a few new friends here in this silly tri-town. and we did! one of our favorites is the sweet randi of swoon studio. the three of us recently got together over picnic baskets and decided to host a tri-city blogger meet-up. another perfect opportunity to get us all together and put faces to some of our daily reads. and if we don't already read you, we should! we want to know who you are. will you join us?

nothing fancy. just a hot cup of peppermint hot cocoa for me. and maybe a petite vanilla scone or two. but hopefully i'll leave with a pocket full of new friends and a stronger sense of community. please come! share this on your blogs, too! let's meet-up. let's connect.

love, lindsay

chase wesley: a lumberjack baby shower

2011-05-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

as soon as i got word that my aunt amy in wyoming was growing babe – i called dibs on planning her a baby shower. and as soon as i got word that her babe was a boy i got to work. i was so inspired by this style board made by joni of laybabylay and i still can’t get that lumberjack plaid out of my mind. (it may make another appearance in charlie’s new crib.) i headed right to the fabric store and picked out my favorite shirting plaids.

a piece of my favorite shirting was stitched to the top of each invite with contrasting mustard yellow thread. i loved how they turned out and i’ve tucked one away to save.

i’m not a huge fan of shower games but we did play one simple get-to-know-you game and the winner took home some of amy’s favorite things. i also had each guest fill out a little ‘wish card’ for amy to share with her boy someday.

(click on the image to download)

+++

these little rosemary plants were potted in glass jars and wrapped with more of the plaid shirting and tied with twine. root beer bottles were the perfect makeshift vases for dried billy buttons and were placed throughout the home.

+++

the favors were my favorite part of the preparations. gavin helped me the night before the shower and it was the perfect project for us to do together. we followed this tutorial. it was so simple and they turned out perfectly! gavi may or may not have had a snitch of bird seed while we were at it, too. my dad suggested that we try the same idea with granola sometime. mmmmm!

each guest went home with their bird feeder tucked safely into one of these muslin bags. each was stamped with a tree full of mama birdies. so sweet!

+++

but the best part? the best part was that little chase wesley made an unplanned early arrival. two weeks early! and lucky for the us, the babe made a quick little appearance at the shower. i was sure to get in a good snuggle and some snapshots before heading back to washington.

i love that i got to celebrate amy. that the excuse to plan her shower meant keeping her in my constant thoughts. she was such an important part in both lucas’ and gavin’s birth stories. i loved being a part of her growing season – i am so happy that i get to watch her mother again. so happy that she added this sweet bundle to our family.

+++

ramblings and rest.

2011-05-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

the calm before/after the storm.

+++

the storm.

amazed.

the haze afterwards.

+++

i am in the haze.

my brain feels muddled and fuzzy.

but calm.

song of the day: days like this - kim taylor
over and over and over again.

words:

2011-05-03T12:31:00.001-07:00

lindsay’s journal – jan 6, 2005 at 9:52 pm
+++
this year is my new beginning. my fresh start.
my mom gave me this book.
i miss christine.
i have pretty skin.
time to feel pretty in it.
two months ‘til spring is here.
a good book.
a warm bed.
i dream to be somebody’s mother.
faithy and gabriel for dinner.
abercrombie dream bag is on sale.
jessie’s pink-or-blue was today.
lot’s of water.
too much chocolate. =)
tomorrow is jeans day.
i played the flute in mr. wink’s band.
i crave the smell of seattle.

briana blackwelder

2011-04-26T11:34:00.001-07:00

i write here because this is my space. and i’m not sure where else to sort my thoughts. i’m stuck to the computer. reading every facebook thought, every blog tribute – trying to keep her here.

Briana Blackwelder from David Perry on Vimeo.

cath is at her first birth without bri this morning. i’m going about my day slowly. holding the space. i found comfort in the birth images from this video. the tub, the charting, the sling.
+++
i remember eating breakfast at mimi’s with mom, briana and joanna. they’d just left a long birth. were going to fill their bellies – process the event and head home to sleep. their happy energy amazed me for three women who had been up all night.
+++
remembering the first tiny beats of what would be my charlie-boy here in my living room with briana and my mother. cath couldn’t find them at first and handed the doppler to briana. she pushed around on my belly and moved the doppler to a new spot. she was all business. then we heard it. swoosh-swoosh-swish-swoosh.
“that’s it.” she said.
+++
i loved briana for alot of reasons. she’s was simply beautiful. easy to love. but mostly i loved her for loving my mother. for being a real friend to her. when my mom felt far away. when i worried about her sacred birth work – i knew they were in it together. i trusted her hand in my mother’s life. i was grateful for it.
+++
the facebook messages will eventually stop.
the blog tributes will quiet.
briana will still be gone.
and i am sad today.

true.

2011-04-24T22:07:00.001-07:00

oh, bri.
beauty. full.
+++
i can’t believe.
+++
i am thinking of all the places we’ve been together.
the thoughts we’ve shared.
your wisdom beyond your years.
+++
i am wondering of you.
hoping you are safe. and warm.
and happy.
+++
you have been in every thump of my heart today.
every blink of my lashes.
every waking moment.
+++
the hours keep passing.
it’s sinking in.
+++
i can’t believe.

mister, pull up a chair…

2011-04-22T17:15:00.001-07:00

we got in the car late on tuesday. i am not a morning person - and hadn't planned on leaving too early, anyway. but i wasn't even packed and it was already nine.

part of me was aching to stay. couldn't bring myself to climb into my silver mini full of boys and leave my family there in the state that we're currently in.

part of me couldn't get home quick enough. home to studebaker street. to andrey. to put us back together as a family of five, minus miss presley.

i decided to check the weather. it would be my deciding factor.

there is a point on the trip home called dead man's pass. it's a twisty winding downgrade through the mountain. at several spots there are warning signs for the truckers - escape ramp! last chance!

it's the place where my mom would round us girls up from the back of the suburban and instruct us to put our seat belts on. and we'd all breathe a sign of relief when we reached the bottom. the scary behind us. full speed ahead.
dead man's pass in a snow storm is my worst fear.

weather forecast for tuesday: all good.

i threw our clothes into our suitcase, buckled up the boys and gave jade a quick squeeze goodbye. and we were off. i've done trips in a hurry that way before and they haven't gone well. but it felt a little different this time.

my heart is heavy. these days.
and i hit the road to sort my thoughts.
miles 1 - 120 were a quiet stream of healthy tears. boys sleeping in the back.
i trucked on. i listened to adele and brandi and an episode of this american life.

we stopped in boise at the co-op for a late lunch. turkey and provolone on whole wheat. a scoop of 'p' pasta and a slice of chocolate cake to share. two hansen juice boxes for the lucas and gav and a peach izze for me.

we asked about the nearest park.
"the orange park is just around the corner," the cashier told us.
so i decided we'd walk. fifteen blocks later we reached camel back park.

but that fifteen blocks of walk? perfection. under popcorn trees. on the perfect evening. gavin asleep in the stroller. charlie shaking his new co-op rattle. lucas practicing his whistle.

on the fifteen blocks of walk back to the car an hour later i spotted orange park tucked back behind the co-op right where it was suppose to be. i'd missed it. on purpose, i think.

press play:

the last few hours of travels required several rest stop breaks to nurse charlie grey. he was craving his bedtime snuggle. the boys were bored. i was out of new tunes.

i filled charlie's belly up to the brim.
kissed lucas and gavin on the cheek and put on a movie.
"we're almost home, littles."

i plugged in my ipod. turned the dial to every indigo girls song ever made and hit the road, again. i was going to listen to as many as i could. let amy ray and emily sing me home. we reached the summit of the blue mountains right as the sun was going down. this is last little stretch before the lush mountains turn to sagebrush and it's beautiful. the quiet tears started again. i was nearly home and too far away from where we'd come from to turn back.

i slipped through dead man's pass just as a. ray started in on salty south. i thought of the hundred times we've made that trip. as littles. lindsay, natalie, christine and jade. instructed by my mother to put our seat belts on.

I remember the wind
As it was settlin'
And every sun goin' down was a picture then
But we look back at 'em framed
They all look the same
There's no sense of time, no sense of pain
A thousand tides, and
A thousand waves
Takin' it all away
And it'll come back in
We'll be gone by then, oh
And it's a miracle we ever learned to give

i hit repeat until my mini full of boys and i pulled safely into the driveway. andrey was waiting for us on the porch.

this day:

2011-04-07T23:23:00.001-07:00

04.07.2011
rainbow banner on the window. his side.
glitter banner in the kitchen. mine.
note to self: he peeks at presents.
a good morning love letter.
decorating cupcakes. frosting on fingers. “that’s an angry bird!” says gavi.
doorstep surprise. kind sewing. sea salt cookies i’ll never forget. i’ll crave!
a smoothie. a sandwich. a cake pop. a full belly. a thoughtful friend.
a phone call i can count on. year after year after year. 15 years. BFF.
cousins! and presents! and rainbow colors! and “oh my gosh!”
wax crayon wrappers. an experiment.
a gazillion happy ‘facebook’ birthdays!
andrey at work. on the roof. in the sunshine. in the clouds.
a brown truck. a big box.
lukey and legos.
a little nursling’s giggles.
dinner date. to anywhere. a parking lot kiss.
a pretzel wants to come home.
plants in my pots. thumps my heart.
super hero couch jumps.
candle in a cake pop. “happy birthday to YOU!”
a silver box. a silver bow. a free people prize.
chase wesley walker. six pounds. breathe deep. colostrum text. a-mazing.
xavier rudd. two tickets.
a little square card. from my little sister. to break the ice.
brownies wrapped in paper and string. matroyska stamp. white ink.
black and white plaid. i had to have. and she knew it.
a phone call from my dad.
don’t give up – a paper cut. inspired.
sleeping boys. three little, one big.
so tired.
thirty.

let’s celebrate!

2011-04-07T00:43:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday
one, two, three, four, f-i-v-e years of lucas jude!
three and oh for me.
+++
that’s alot.
and that’s a BIG! balloon.

PROJECT: craft – Spring Edition

2011-04-04T22:42:00.001-07:00

i had a PROJECT: craft hangover the sunday morning after this event. it took every little bit of get-up-&-go to pull myself out from under the covers and off to sunday school.
+++
the creative manic that happens during the week before is what i crave. being swallowed up into a detail obsession.
we found ourselves fifteen-minutes-‘til-the doors-open with every check box filled. with every finishing touch assembled we said,“now what?!”
+++
we did this by ourselves.
eight plus one extra kids between the two of us, too.
us and the trusting thirty three ladies that clicked on ‘buy tickets now!’
and i’m beaming with craft happy pride.

a true collaboration between danyelle and i. my favorite part? when we’d ask each other, “how are you picturing the favors/the ribbons/the name tags?” and then we’d set out putting together what the other was seeing. when my ideas got stuck – she took over and added the just-what-it-needed-touch. it was PROJECT: crafty magic, i tell you.
+++
what happens the day after the hangover…?
something like this:

dandee: ready for summer edition?
lovely lindsay: i’m picturing picnic tables.
dandee: and sunshine.

are YOU in?
love, lindsay

photo credit: mrs. tiffany wilcox of you look nice today photography

five gratefuls:

2011-03-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

picture snapped + tweeted by dandee

one. a last minute morning meeting.

a safe place to open my heart and provided

the sweet spirit that carried me today.

two. this husband. this home. 'nuff said.

three. a pile of boxes with butterfly stamps - PROJECT: craft tickets.

it means that we're collaborating.

on something that we love - the tiniest of details.

four. five months of charlie grey. and still a magic baby.

five. a red plaid blanket.

that i hope is cuddled up to somebody that i love tonight.

yours?

making me happy:

2011-03-20T22:46:00.001-07:00

the addition of pink.
---
there is a struggle going on over here.
between these two.
wanting to be best friends.
wanting to be different.
---
nothing makes me happier these days than this:
when they decide that princesses and bad guys can play together.

i am her. she was me.

2011-03-02T23:11:00.000-08:00

on my speakers this very moment: sweep down early - innocence mission. a lullaby for charlie grey "why won't spring come..."

when i wear this sweatshirt, i feel like my mother.

---

i am noticing that i am becoming the her that i remember. the version of her that i grew up with. my age now is parallel to hers when i was lukey's age. which means that the me now - will be the one that he remembers. does that make any sense? because it makes perfect sense to me.

---

there is a picture that exists of us. my mother and me. it's somewhere and i've been hunting for it for years. in it - we're scrubbing our cabbage patch dolls with a fingernail brush at the bathroom sink. she's wearing a big comfy sweatshirt. and i am making this super cheesy smile! my four almost five year old face. i clearly remember being so happy that her time was mine. we used to hunt for those dolls all over town. putting them on lay-a-way and saving our pennies.

---

i remember play dates with the children of her friends. taco johns drive-thru treats. movie clubs. puffy paint crafts. hamburger casserole and green beans at the kitchen table. visiting my dad at work. trips to the library and getting picked up from daycare. i remember simon and garfunkel sneaking in between peter, paul and mommy, too.

that is my life, now.

lukey and me. we are currently on the hunt for old school comic books. high fives and a snuggle on the couch to read when we find one. we are starbucks drive-thru treats. play dates with the children of my friends. we are red-and-white-striped-twine crafts and little boy prayers at the kitchen table. we are a quick drive-by the job site, trips to the library and wishing well preschool. we are ryan adams at the top of our lungs in between peter, paul and mommy, too...

---

my mother just decided on a whim to go back to school. no, really. a spur of the moment thought and the next minute she was enrolling herself on the computer. she has a backpack and professors. she has classmate friends and homework deadlines. our daily phone calls are happening between biology and anthropology.

she sent me a link to her homework website the other day. her first and last name in capital letters up on the top. and it just sort of hit me. that she's not just my mother. she's cathy. she has worries and loves and dreams and children and a husband and a home to keep. a heart to nurture. a body to take care of. she's having a spin on the planet thats all her own. that she was me once. that she had these same days. maybe even these same thoughts. was she this tired, too?

---

i imagine my life twenty five years from now. i am hoping that i am just as brave. that my fifty four looks something like big girl school, a job that fills my cup, and humanitarian trips to africa. A-F-R-I-C-A?! that my heart expands to huge for my adult children the same way that hers has. that i'll still sing ryan adams at the top of my lungs.

---

tonight i rocked and nursed my charlie-baby in my grey sweatshirt. sang him "five hundred miles" peter, paul and mary style and stuck a post-it note on his heart. a little reminder to call me everyday when he's a grown-up-charlie-man with baby boys of his own. i felt like my mother. she would have been rocking baby natalie brynn at this age. in her shiny brown rocking chair on chestnut street. in a few weeks they will brave the trip to senegal together. and i wonder if she imagined that then?

PROJECT: craft - Spring Edition

2011-02-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

surprise!

as soon as we wrapped up PROJECT: craft last fall, dandee and i were already scheming and dreaming up ideas for round two. and here it is! just in time to welcome in spring. dust off the dull of winter, dig through your unfinished projects and join us at Greenies! there are promises of bright colors, happy treats and hopefully lot’s of new friends. get your ticket
here today!

love, lindsay

baby mine.

2011-02-26T22:06:00.001-08:00

well hello there, charlie grey – month four
---
first rock ‘n roll show: josh ritter.
in portland. no camera.
every detail tucked safely away under ‘happy’ in my brain-bins.
ace hotel RM 220: magic.
canvas, metal, wood, wax, poetry, music, feathers, the key, the snow!
---
will never forget:
during that song
his dance was rocking you – to sleep.
all lights out. just an unplugged guitar.
you in that hat and those stripey pants
being held by my ‘good man’

choose to let in the light

2011-02-21T16:07:00.001-08:00

after a trying day of chasing boys through chapels with my sweet husband yesterday, i finally curled up for the night in my comfy bed to flip through my phone. i spotted this on twitter:

dandeedesigns: feeling edified this sunny sabbath day.

and it’s exactly how i was feeling. that even though i had spent most of the afternoon in the mother’s lounge and the church foyer, the spirit had found me and fed my soul. the day had not been without it’s own tender quiet moments. the messages that needed to reach us had been heard. my heart was full.

while in utah this last time marilyn had arranged for us to see a show. (of course she did, right?!)among the artists we heard that night were scott wiley, paul jacobsen and pat campbell. all members of ‘the lower lights.’ and in a teeny tiny auditorium that evening, we were moved by their music. that familiar feeling where my heart begins to swell and thump-thump-thump and my eyes fill to the brim.
---
and of course, marilyn was determined to bring that same feeling home with her. connections were made and dates were set. ‘the lower lights’ are coming here. and in the teeny tiny town of burbank you can join us in their magic. don’t miss this.
i’m bringing my little lucas. he’s going to love the instruments. and i’m bringing my sweet husband. so he can feel it, too.

my favorite? come, ye children of the lord. a little chuckle then 1..2..3..4.. followed by the quiet strumming of guitars and such. “oh what songs we then will sing…”

she’s giving away a few tickets here if you’ll help to spread the word. we’re running out of time to fill all of the seats. but really, you should just purchase up a couple of tickets here and join us. grab an extra for your neighbor, too. then let me know so that i can save you a seat. i’d love to meet you there.
love, lin

the bloggy truth:

2011-02-16T13:07:00.001-08:00

wednesday. twelve-thirty-seven-in-the-afternoon.

what you see
-a frizzy straight out of the shower mess
-eyebrows: need plucked
-no makeup and reeeeeeeally tired eyes
-going on day 1,763 of no-good sleep
-my attempt at giving gavin a haircut myself

what you don’t see
-charlie spit up on my jeans
-lucas went to preschool this morning still in half of his pajamas
-dirty dishes and laundry piles and well, really… a tornado hit this place
-mcdonald’s i had andrey bring home for lunch
-the crazy lady tears i cried when he went back to work

what i see
-red nails making me feel pretty
-concern and love for gavin
-a sliver of sunshine sneaking through my curtains
-my wedding ring

what i’m going to do
-gather up three boys and climb back in bed

and that’s ok.

go gavin go

2011-02-06T23:57:00.001-08:00

andrey and i stayed up soooooooo late the night before gavin’s birthday. he listened to russian rock through his headphones while i hummed songs from gavi’s birth playlist. and we folded and folded and folded.

gavin’s favorite things right now: trucks and trains and planes.

we folded a gazillion paper airplanes. from the torn pages of a giant road atlas. then we quietly strung them from the ceiling with fishing wire while gavin slept.

boy woke up on his birthday morn in amazement. his wonder was pure and real. and we loved it. this day belonged to him and he knew it. his day also included a morning coffee run with dad, a trip to the party store to pick out map colored balloons (pale green, mellow yellow, bright red, peach and sea blue.) there was CARS movie watching as a family and even a good snuggle or two. lucas and i hid in the studio to wrap gifts while gavin tried to sneak peeks through the crack under the door. there was sitting on counters and chocolate-cream-cheese-frosting spatula licks. cousins over to party and surprise packages to open. it was such a happy day.

----
he blew out the candles and it all became official. boy turned two.
wonder what he wished for. i’m gonna ask him someday.

gavi grows:

2011-01-29T00:48:00.001-08:00

too fast.
---
happy birth-day to my baby boy.
love, mama

a birth story

2011-01-17T20:44:00.001-08:00

the house is quiet. the big boys are out with andrey and charlie is swishing away asleep in his magic swing. i am listening to the playlist my mom made for charlie's birth. i didn't get to use it then. i am using it now.

charlie grey just happened to me one day. there were no plans for him in the works. and then - just one day - the evidence that he would be - consumed me. the news of babe overwhelmed all of me.

i am not ready. he is.

and now that i know him - i see the bigger picture.
:: the perfection in his timing.
:: he is a blessing.
:: he is wiser than me.
:: he has a work to do for this family.
:: he is my boy.

my recollection of growing charlie is sort of a blip. these months of time that just passed right on by. while i know that the facts are that i felt achy and sick and tired and oh so very pregnant. i can't really remember.

the preparations for new babe weren't a big production. he would come and that was that.

this i knew:
:: that he would be peaceful.
:: that he would have a wild, good heart.

i gathered his nest and wondered of him.
:: a handsome boy bassinet.
:: a blanket crocheted with the colors of the earth.
:: the brightest, whitest, softest babe clothes.

this i knew:
:: that she would be there and there would be time to prepare.
:: that it was going to hurt. but that i was capable.
:: that gavin and lucas would be ok.
:: that i would hold him first.

i was reminded daily for months that my body was getting ready to give birth.
so many braxton hicks. sometimes long nights full of them and false alarm. i had found myself awake at three in the morning for weeks.

and then my midwife came. two weeks before his due date.
i made her. i needed her to be early. she knew that.

this i knew:
:: that she was my midwife.
:: that she was in tune.
:: that she was also my mother.
:: that i was safe.

october eighteenth. it's monday. andrey is 30. i am sick. soooo sick. but we have cake. and i take a late night drive with cathy to help gavin find some sleep. we explore old richland neighborhoods and contractions are constant. back at home i tuck myself in and wonder if tonight we will meet boy.

morning comes. and i am still pregnant.

i do everything on my list:
:: i swim.
:: i float.
:: i nap.
:: i go to the chiropractor.
:: i get a massage.
:: a pedicure.
:: i walk. i mean - waddle.
:: we wash and fold baby clothes.
:: i love my husband.
:: we eat good food.
:: listen to good music.
:: i know this babes song.
:: a blessing. one for me and one for my mother. for wisdom and for peace.

we wait. but not anxiously. he would eventually come and that was that.

october twenty-second. well hello there, mr. moon! lucas and i howl at it's fullness and yell to the birth gods, "WE'RE READY FOR OUR BABY!" it's now friday. due date. still pregnant. that's ok. i am still spending my nights with my other baby, gavin.

saturday: morning.
andrey is fishing and catches so many!
i make myself feel pretty. curl my hair and wear cute boots. cat and i are off to the grocery store to prepare for a feast. dad is in town for one more day - we will feed him good. i declare, "today is a Blitzen Trapper day!" and we turn it up loud.

saturday: evening.
jeff and andrey are making his catch-of-the-day into fish tacos. mom is making soup (spiked with cayenne pepper) and a baby-be-born-soon-sugar-pie. dad is asleep on the couch. cousins are making puzzles. i am taking pictures at the counter. my camera is not capturing how i feel inside. i am so full of love.

this i knew:
:: he would come tonight.

i hadn't been feeling him wiggle much. i tell my midwife/mom. she tells me to drink some juice and start doing kick counts. i am not worried.

after everyone has left for the night she sets her guest bedroom up for a prenatal. candles and the moon for light. his baby heart is fluttering just right. he is in a good spot. she will let me be. she packs her backpack to spend the night at the hotel with dad. she tucks this family in and sneaks out.

andrey and lucas have made a bed on the couch and have snuggled up to watch a show. putting gavin to bed is a chore. he is finally sleeping. i am so tired! i am drifting off. i hear lucas cry out. then andrey yell for some help.
lucas has thrown up. fish tacos. all over his dad. andrey starts a shower for the both of them. i start the laundry and scrub the couch. i shake my head. i can't believe this. then i laugh. we tuck ourselves back in. round two. try again.

whoa. i am awake. belly is tight. i sit on the edge of my bed and breathe through. the contraction is familiar. i want to sleep. i walk to my bathroom. another one. i crawl back into my bed.

i text my mom:
Me: contractions that hurt.
Mommacat: cool!
Mommacat: i will take a bath and then head over.

another one. hmmmm. not going back to bed.
i gather up my red blanket and head for the couch. the clock: two-fifty-eight am. ah, three in the morn. figures. just in time for full house. i imagine i'll make a little nest and wait a bit to wake andrey.

another one. i'm hoping my mom skips her bath.
Mommacat: i'll come now.

i decide to find andrey instead. he's snuggled into the guest bedroom with lucas.
i whisper, "hey - i need you." he jumps up and holds onto me through a contraction. i make my way to the bathroom, again. he waits for me outside the bathroom door. "are we having a baby tonight?!" his voice is excited. it does not match my nerves.

"yes. and its hurting." i say. i tell him to start setting up the pool.
my house is quiet. there is no rush. it just is what it is. we find all of the pool stuff. it pumps up fast and he starts to fill it.

i am kneeling with my knees on the couch, resting up against the back cushions. his arm around me. i am already loud. i hear my mom come in. she goes straight for the phone. lukey wakes up and wanders into the living room with sleepy eyes. he is carried back to bed. he comes back out.
"he is ok" i say.

i am walking and leaning into the couch on contractions. i sway my hips. i am already lost in this.

a quiet knock. it's amelia. i think that she is here to take the boys. she has been called to help me. gavin is awake and andrey goes to him. i kneel down against the ottoman. my face buried into my hands. my mom gives amelia the job to push on the small of my back. the contractions are rocking through me - straight to my core.

i am praying.

another quiet knock. my brother.
andrey leaves with him to walk the boys over.

i’ve since learned that my dad was also called to help jeffrey with a crying gavin. that the two of them drove around in the wee morning hour rain. waiting. and holding the space for me.

back in my living room:
the pool is barely filling. i ask if i can get in. i do.
and my water breaks.

the rest isn't very clear in my memory. it happened so quickly. there are just bits and pieces:

:: amelia's reassuring words. she is sitting right next to me.
:: feeling scared.
:: wanting it to be over.
:: not knowing how to get a grip on things.
:: looking up at the sky light and i remember hearing the rain.
:: the lamp on in my mom's room. her sign and peace flags.
:: asking where andrey was. i do not remember him coming back.
:: holding onto his hands while i pushed. and yelled.

the pushing is taking longer this time. it hurts. i want my mom to "JUST GET HIM OUT!" i am worried. they are not. mom tells me that there is no cord around his neck. it's ok to push. she knew i would need to know that.

and i push. and then i am quiet. and still. and i hear that she's turned on my music. and andrey is there. amelia is there. i am looking right at my mother.
i can feel the peace that was blessed to me days earlier. and i push again.

...and then he is in my arms. and it's only five-oh-five am.

another quiet knock. it's ginger. she takes over and my other midwife becomes my mother. the sun is just starting to rise. i am helped into the shower and then into my warm safe bed. we weigh boy. nine pounds! we study him. and wonder of his name. and that was that.

this i now know for sure:
:: that he is peaceful.
:: that he has a wild, good heart.
:: that he has a work to do for this family and came quickly.

"…the moment i saw you, i wanted to hold you and keep you warm
on a cold rainy morn.
the moment i held you, i wanted to kiss you and welcome you here
on the day you were born…"

charlie grey just happened to me one day.
and he is magic.

mindful

2011-01-17T14:43:00.001-08:00

(MLK Bell Ringing Ceremony)

observing this holiday
with gratitude and tradition.
+++

music that moves me

2011-01-11T22:04:00.001-08:00

so… who’s gonna join me next week?
i’ve heard charith sing live.
there’s bound to be a really good cover or two.
are you in?
snatch up your ticket here, and quick!
i’ll save you a seat.
love, lindsay

ps. designed my first concert poster. love it? me, too.
you should see it in print. all glossy and pretty.

four laps

2011-01-03T13:38:00.001-08:00

i’ve figured myself out. i’m lazy. that’s it.
and i’ve been spoiled.

andrey has been taking over the boy-duty when he wakes in the morning. and that’s when i’ve been getting my sleep. sleeping way in. and i could lay in that bed all day long if he didn’t come looking for me a few hours later. he’s been doing my dishes and changing the poopy ones. and i’ve gotten oh-soooooo used to it.

but the weather is changing and the business of building houses is picking back up and life will go back to how it should be. with more order. a schedule. a routine. and to-do lists. i am no good at those things.

i need those things.
and so do my children.
and my marriage.

with the new fresh year - comes new fresh perspective. a simple text from my friend with the word POTENTIAL in it has me anxious to get on with this. because i have some! potential, that is. and i’ve got goals. and this year i’ve got a birthday coming that starts with three and oh. and i’m feeling like that’s pretty good motivation to finally get on with the things that have been holding me back.

so… to start:
i’m buying a big giant blank canvas. and i’m going to paint on it. finally.
i woke up to an alarm clock this morning. and i got out of bed.
i took this rolly-polly-post-baby-body to walk the mall. and i did four fast laps!
(i swear that when i saw my reflection in the GAP window display that i already looked skinnier, too!)
i said good-bye to my beloved peppermint kisses.
and bye-bye cold crisp cokes in a can.
tonight we’ll talk budget. and chore charts (for me and lucas.)

but here’s where i need some help.
how do i do it?

how do you tap into the artistic part of your brain and let the painting begin? does your four year old have chores and allowance? how do you stay in shape? and really – what does a person on a diet eat for lunch?? got any tips for sticking to a budget that don’t involve the dave and envelopes? and tossing anthro catalogs?
oh and cleaning house – how do you keep up?

i’m excited to try new things.
to stay motivated.
to make good changes.
to fit into my jeans.

love, lin

p.s. happy four birthday to this little bloggy space of mine!

making a new list for a new year

2010-12-30T23:38:00.001-08:00

Hello friends! Go here for the 2012 printable kit!

we went out for greek food tonight. and it was really good. partly because we were there without children. partly because we enjoyed our gyro’s with friends. partly because we were crossing the very last thing off of andrey’s list for twenty-ten.
…and partly because the food was really good.

i get a big fat D+ on my new years goal list. i took my big girl photography class in january, and sent letters to my sisters until february. nice. and despite seeing my list several times a day on the refrigerator, it ended there. i did however spend the year of twenty-ten growing babe. which should give me a little smidge of extra credit, don’t ya think?

i got this idea on a blog a few years back. it’s become a little family tradition of ours and we’re really looking forward to breaking the seal on that orange folder and reading the letters we wrote our future selves. i’m especially curious because that lindsay had no idea that this lindsay would be reading her letter come twenty-eleven with a little bit-o charlie grey in her arms. isn’t it wild how that works? i love the dreaming/scheming ahead and reveling in the retrospect at the same time.

i spent yesterday scurrying to cross something off of my goal list. one of my goals had been to master my illustrator program. yeah. not going to happen in one evening. i did manage to get in a little practice and got to work on making our new years packets for tomorrow nights festivities. everyone will get a goal card to fill out, a notecard to write a letter to themselves on, an envelope to stuff it in and a sticker to seal it up until twenty-twelve.

we keep our goal cards up where we can see them and if you’re like my husband, cross fun things off your list throughout the year. the last few years we’ve had a set of simpler questions to ask lucas and even had him draw a little picture on the back. i loved reading through luc’s old answers to see how much he’s grown.while learning new things last night – i made a PDF of our packets and figured out how to share them with you here! i’d love for you to be joining us tomorrow evening while we daydream about the coming new year.
free printables:
+ goal cards
+ a letter to myself
+ envelope seals

happy celebrating, friends!
love, lindsay

baby mine.

2010-12-27T23:11:00.001-08:00

charlie grey – month two

i’ve been writing charlie’s birth story in my mind. waiting for the right words to tell of how he came to me. and they’re starting to come. bits and pieces. the ones i remember and the ones that have been told to me. my births take a settling time. a getting used to before i can write them. i’ve still yet to write luc’s birth in my words – as it’s still settling. gavin’s came quickly. and i’m swimming in this little charlie-boy’s until i sort them out a bit more.

we like to joke that we should have named him charlie zen. he’s THAT good. and maybe we still will. something amazing has happened with me and raising up charlie. probably due to his zen-ness. it feels like i’ve had all the time in the world to soak him in. there was really no struggle to mother him. he just happened one morning and everything else just happened with him. while he is still growing too quickly – changing from newborn to baby in a blink - i feel like i’ve been watching him in slow motion at the same time.

i’ve been:
folding up the teeny-tiny clothes and pulling out the next size up.
watching baby wrists grow too chubby for handsome boy bracelets.
ohhhh-ing and ahhhh-ing at more new smiley tricks and less sleeping bundles.

he’s growing and i’m watching.
he’s happening and i’m not missing a thing.
he’s calmed me and i’m soaking it in.

and… that’s a wrap!

2010-12-27T22:33:00.001-08:00

christmas has been had.

a birth story

2010-12-24T21:06:00.001-08:00

i cannot read this version of the nativity without weeping.
something connects with me.
a deep gratitude for this family.
sweet mary, her loving joseph and their boy.

merry christmas, my dear friends.
love, lin

the trimmings

2010-12-22T23:46:00.001-08:00

the mood has to be right for me to package up my gifts.
it has to be just the right day. not too early in december but early enough that the packages get a spot under the tree for counting and re-arranging.
there has to be music. christmas music. classics and newbies. a little mariah carey. not-gonna-lie.

and i must be feeling happy.

i’ve kept an on-going collection of pretty trimmings under the table in my craft room for the last few december weeks. there’s been no handmade gifts this year. i crossed that off my list of to-do’s long ago – knowing that come the month of december i’d still be in the transitioning stages of welcoming boy three (whom we now refer to as mister-wild-charlie-grey.) wrapping the gifts up would need to be my creative holiday outlet.

i felt like a happy little birdie yesterday when i pulled out my collection. it was THE absolute last day to get packages off to the post office and i spent ALL of tuesday morning humming away at my kitchen table. but first i had to recover the gifts from their secret hiding places around the house. i studied them all one last time and daydreamed away about the people they were being sent off to.

this years collected trimmings:
*black yarn
*a yard of black + red lumberjack flannel
*silver striped masking tape
*teeny-tiny crisp white tags
*a spool of glittery silver ribbon
*clay monogrammed tags (made by lukey + me especially for wrapping day)

a phone call was made to my natalie-sister in the middle of my taping, tying and happy jingle belling.

“i’ve got three boys. one that must be carried. one that moves too fast and one that dilly-dallies. and i’ve got packages. big ones. i must get to the post-office. today! the line is going to be sooooooooo long. what would you do?” i asked. practically singing with gift wrapping giddy-ness.

we came up with several solutions.

some of the best:
*dropping the baby off to be snuggled –leaving me with only two wilds to wrangle
*hiring a car-sitter to sit in the car with the children
*stroller and suckers and a BIG red santa bag
*calling the whole thing off

luckily for me, andrey saved the day. and i went to post-office alone.
i sang carols the whole way there and may or may not have still used a big red santa bag.

love, lin

i want to blog…

2010-12-15T10:43:00.001-08:00

… but i’m much too busy.
must find a quiet moment soon. maybe.

where i belong

2010-12-09T15:05:00.001-08:00

photo snitched from her

in the plans for months. big secrets kept with our lips sealed tight. and now we’ve already come and gone. checked every happy place off of a long list of must see’s. filled our bellies with the yummiest of foods. filled our suitcases with treasures. we were moved by music - in the car, in a theatre, in a giant conference center. we were moved by mountains. we shared late night worries and giggles until our eyes were closing. if you haven’t seen the sights with these ladies – well i think you should. they each have the perfect balance of sweet spirit/wild heart. i think my mom explained us something like this: “these are the girls that make things pretty.”

i am lucky.

read danyelle’s utah first’s here and marilyn’s notes here. and hopefully a hipstamatic photo or two will pop up here.

thank full

2010-11-25T22:44:00.001-08:00

our “just add water” thanksgiving – 2010

table settings: lucas
put turkey in bag: andrey
stuffing: stove top
rolls: costco
pie crusts: pillsbury
baby milk: lindsay

supervisor: gavin – of course.

baby mine

2010-11-25T11:47:00.001-08:00

charlie grey – month one
+++
this sweet boy is made of magic.
we’ve yet to really hear a cry from him.
he is peaceful and content.
+++
a champion nursling.
a growing wonder.
a deep thinker.
a bassinet sleeper.
a swing lover.
+++
a piece of baby cake.

right now:

2010-11-22T10:14:00.001-08:00

dear passionista:
right now:

+ a blanket of calm happy is covering this little house. thanks to the fresh-still-falling snow.

+ i’ve got a belly full of peppermint hot cocoa. sipped from a red holiday starbucks cup. (the first real sign that winter is on it’s way.) a surprise treat from my true love.

+ my growing-too-fast charlie babe is snuggled up and swish-swooshing in his happy swing.

+ joe purdy pandora station humming through my cozy home.
heartbeats/jose gonzalez (dreamy)
and the happy thought of lucas declaring that we dance instead of walk today.

+ boys and their dear cousins pulling a bright orange sled in the backyard. i can hear them laughing. i can remember that happiness, too… a declared SNOW DAY!!! on cleveland street growing up.

+ still laughing at the thought of mini gavin in full snow-play garb for the first time. thinking i’ll call him randy for the rest of the afternoon.

+ thanksgiving feast on my mind. must buy a turkey! today! and make a few of these sweeties for my loves.

+ finally felt like making a holiday wishlist. must remember to tell andrey!

+ wishing you and a collected other few of my favorites would join me by the toasty fireplace. for music and giggles and fresh-baked-somethin’-good.

happy first snow, my friend. i know you love this. today i will love it for you, too.

but just for today.
love, lin

imagined: gratitude

2010-11-15T21:51:00.001-08:00

through the speakers this very moment:
beautiful boy – ben harper

…she had her own little corner of the world.
it was bright with the colors of a string of peaceful prayer flags.
it was perfumed with handmade bars of patchouli soap. (heavy on the patchouli)
it echoed with her laughter like the happiest of franti songs…

while i was pregnant with boy three – i would often find myself counting the months ahead and wondering what belly and life would look like - come september. i wouldn’t be super huge yet. lucas would start preschool and i’d be able to load gavi up in the stroller and waddle ourselves over to pick him up.
september came and went and we strolled that belly just like i’d imagined.

come october i imagined - the baby nest would be ready. cath and her lil’ red mini would pull into the driveway and we’d settle in to welcome boy. i imagined she’d make herself a little space in the guestroom of her own. i imagined my labor would come. imagined the birth the best i could. knew the day would come that we’d know his name. that we’d ink his foot prints and introduce brothers. i imagined oatmeal for breakfast and her spaghetti. i imagined she’d paint with gavin and win his heart. that she’d sing franti and dance with my lukey. that she’d mother my husband with beef stew and spoil me with late afternoon naps. i imagined we’d stay up late and wish for my sisters to join us. i imagined my dad would visit and they’d whisper and snuggle like young loves. i imagined she’d visit old friends and even make new ones. that she’d midwife a few of my own.

i imagined that come november she’d pack up her things. bags a little fuller than when she’d come. that i’d bury my head in her shirt and cry my eyes out. that she’d kiss the top of my head and tell me she’d see me soon. that i’d send her off and we’d both be a little(big) bit different than when she’d come.

she left her corduroy coat on the back of her desk chair. and a few other things here and there. she left me with charlie grey. brother three. grandchild ten. born on a early sunday morning during a gentle rain. caught in her hands. my mama’s hands. just like i’d imagined…

kindred spirit

2010-11-10T21:29:00.001-08:00

the house was peaceful for a minute this afternoon.
peaceful minutes are hard to come by in these new days as a mother of three littles.

during my minute:
gavin was deep nap sleeping
pandora was singing straight to my heart
-belated promise ring (iron + wine)
-and then you (greg laswell)
-nobody knows me at all (the weepies)
-all the way (glen hansard)
a dear friend was baby laboring at home just down the street
the perfect little ray of sunshine was peeking through our skylight
the mailman dropped a big box from canada on my doorstep

i snapped a picture of “wild charlie” lying in the sliver of sunlight.
turned up the pretty tunes and carefully opened my happy mail.

i can easily count on one hand a small handful of people that i have met and instantly felt a tug at my heart strings.

joanna is one of them.

bliss

2010-11-01T23:09:00.001-07:00

this boy is a dream.
+++
i am in such a happy state of postpartum mommy bliss, right now.
just took in a big deep breath of my delicious newborn.
then wrapped him up tight and snuggled him into his bassinet,
so that i could sit back & study his baby perfection.
+++
he is calm.
peaceful.
the sweetest.
just like i knew he would be.

tricks & treats

2010-10-30T23:15:00.001-07:00

chocolate is the best thing that ever happened to gavin west.
and having an entire blue pumpkin bucket filled with the stuff has put him into little boy gavin heaven. it’s gone everywhere with him today and he’s guarding it with every inch of his mini-gavin self.
++++
when luc first saw himself in the mirror with the painted mask – i saw him give himself a sly crooked lukey-smile and a thumbs up. aha! officially a mutant turtle. he woke up this morning with what was left of his leonardo mask. he wore flaking blue paint all. day. long.
++++
i love halloween. i love sending boys to bed with candy filled bellies for one night. i love a little orange and black spookiness going on. i love the vintage witch grammy bought and lucas taped up in his bedroom. i love trying to get gav to say trick-or-treat and him repeating “candy-candy-candy” instead. i love remembering the homemade costumes my mom spent hours on. and then the silly plastic ones we wanted the next year. i love that i gave in to the store bought leo suit and how lucas felt no shame in heading out last night as a teenaged turtle. i love that gavin let me gel his hair and wore argyle socks. i love that andrey took his boys to the annual trunk-or-treat all by himself and left me home to be a baby-mama for halloween and snuggle my newborn.

happy halloween!
from leo & geeky gavin

oh boy!

2010-10-26T21:57:00.001-07:00

boy three is here!
we’re enjoying the most peaceful baby-moon with charlie and he’s currently snuggling his way right into this family full of boys.
birth story to follow…

thirty years of andrey

2010-10-18T21:08:00.001-07:00

happy birthday to this boy.
so lucky that seven-plus of his thirty years have been spent with me.
++++

custom cake by kate

get ready… get set…

2010-10-13T01:12:00.001-07:00

recipe for a good birth:
golden amber resin – voluspa candle
ol’ red plaid blanket
my mommy
andrey’s forearms (for holding on)
a complete baby nest

good music:
.into the wild soundtrack
.008-august passionista mix
.xobc
.xavier rudd mix

a safe place for the boys
a blessing
hot hot water
sonic’s “good ice”
burt’s bee’s baby lotion
white receiving blanket
happy birth thoughts from my circle of loves
deep breath
++++
a new boy
a name.

the brothers, three

2010-09-30T21:17:00.001-07:00

the wee babe is on my mind.
i can picture it now.
this nameless new boy addition.
with just a few weeks to go – we’re ready.
++++
the brothers, three.
i can’t wait to watch them adventure together.

“in creating… she becomes herself”

2010-09-27T22:59:00.001-07:00

i’ve been going to bed with PROJECT: craft on the brain for months now.
danyelle + i hatched the idea in our heads and we completely ran with it. no detail was spared. i really truly feel like it was a complete collaboration. both of our brains contributing tiny details that all seemed to fit perfectly together.
we were so excited when tickets were actually purchased + new friends + old friends were coming out of the woodwork to join us on our crafty adventure.

we felt so happy once every pretty-little-thing was in place + people began to arrive. danyelle + i had created the perfect space to inspire an amazing creative energy. i sat back and listened to the happy chit-chatter while stitching a little somethin’ sweet for the wee babe.

i hope that all of those amazing women left feeling as happy as we did.

i’m a little sad to pack up PROJECT: craft. i want to collect everyone back up + check on their projects. i want to have my new friends over for lunch + visit some more. and of course danyelle + i have already got the wheels spinning for PROJECT: craft part two. will you join us next time?

be sure + check danyelle’s blog all this week. she’ll be posting all the teeny tiny details about our community craft night over there. i’m afraid that my big bellied pregnant self couldn’t stand to sit at this computer long enough to share them all with you here.

i’m so thankful to my sweet friend danyelle for appreciating + encouraging my lindsay-girl self to create. i’m amazed at what we did together.

and… he’s off!

2010-09-10T18:21:00.001-07:00

it was a big week for us over here.
my biggest boy – mr. lucas jude himself started preschool.

his first year.
the big kid three-hours-a-day/three-days-a-week kind.
he was excited.
i was nervous.

i got up early and made boy a mickey mouse pancake.
he had no idea i was capable of such things.

we brushed teeth, combed hair, pinned buttons on his new backpack, tied new school shoe laces and sent text pictures to grammy.

oh – and had a talk about keeping his ninja turtle fighting skills in check while out in the real world.

i walked him into ms. kristen’s classroom fully expecting/hoping that he’d ask me to stick around.
instead he hung up his pack on the hook marked L-U-C-A-S and said, “bye mom!”

oh. <<lump in throat>>

run lucas run.
an invisible kite string connects me to you.
++++
this is only the beginning, isn’t it…

a sweetest sunday

2010-09-05T22:24:00.001-07:00

the morning started out in a scattered hurry. this usually happens when the church clothes don’t get laid out the night before and the boys don’t get soaked in the tub on saturday evening. but gavin woke up happy and andrey was willing to help and luc was already singing sweet happy boy songs. i ended up throwing on a pregnant-lady-tent-dress (seriously running out of options to cover this belly over here) tying my hair up in a pony tail and shuffling everyone out to the mini with bananas for breakfast.

we braved the walk-in-late and found a comfy bench near the front. just in time to raise my hand in thanks for my dear brother and his service to our neighborhood ward. just in time to hear his powerful testimony and feel a full heart.

this is not the first time his service in the church has blessed my own little life. i was reminded of the years he spent on his mission in spain that resulted in the baptisms of his three little sisters miles away back at home.

here i was today - years later snuggled onto a church pew with ALL of my boys. a bit disheveled but hearts full of gratitude that yet again, my dear brother’s years of service to this church have found me safely right where i was supposed to be.

a dear sweet friend of mine makes sure that the pulpit has beautiful flowers each and every sunday. these beauties are straight from her own rose garden. before leaving church to head home she caught up to me and asked if i would please take them home… “i can’t think of anyone who deserves these more than you today!” she said. and i love her for that. because i needed them.
they’ve added such a sweet and happy calm to this house all day long. lucas and i studied them and picked our favorites. we gathered around them for a spontaneous family treat of ice cream and rainbow sprinkles in the middle of the afternoon. they caught the sunshine and lit up my whole home/heart. and i can’t wait to wake up to them and my happy boys in the morning.

happy sunday night, loves.
-lindsay

growing

2010-08-26T23:14:00.001-07:00

the mama. 32 weeks + growing/glowing.

i just figured it out. why i’ve put the baby prep on hold for so long. why babe-to-be only has a small drawer full of treasures. why some days i even sort of forget i’m growing boy inside this tired body.
++++
because gavin west is still my baby.
++++
i sat down here to write him a little letter but i think i’ll keep my mama words between the two of us and write them on a sheet of paper instead.
++++
he took a late nap today. which meant that tonight (after a super-classic day of grouchy-gavin antics) he was wide awake at 10:30pm. we found a comfy spot on the couch and he crawled up on top of the big-o belly and twirled my hair.
this is rare.
he wanted nothing more than a moment with me. a quiet moment of just-us. he slurped his paci and i could see his one dimple peeking out from behind it.
he was happy.
gavin is mini.
he is still my babe.

PROJECT:craft

2010-08-23T09:08:00.001-07:00

there was some very late night texting going on between danyelle + i last night. putting together some final touches before we open up registration for
PROJECT: craft today! i went to bed giddy + super excited to find out which lovely ladies will be joining us on september 25th for all the happy creative goodness.

go here to sign up.
and fast! space is limited + we would love to see your face.
love, lindsay

p.s.
dandee + i will be hosting a special drawing the night of the event for all of you dears who helped spread the word about PROJECT: craft. whether you live in the tri-cities or in timbuktu, leave a comment letting us know how you circulated the news and we'll put your name in the hat. if you're not there + you win, we'll ship the prize your way. and trust us, it's a really good prize.