Wednesday, October 31, 2007

"it's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark" -michael jackson

halloween picture update:
so... at the very last minute and with a little candy convincing from his cousins he agreed to wear the shark suit. i was so proud of him because really the thing scared the kid to death. giant sacrifice made for this family's candy stash. thanks my boy. thanks. (can you hear the crinkle of my snickers wrapper?)
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
next year... something with smaller and less frightening teeth.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

i love this holiday. the obvious change in the season. the crisp air. the color orange. blackbirds. the smell of burning jack-o-lanterns. caramel apples. pillowcases full of candy. mittens. i loved coming home from school on halloween with plans for the evenings adventures. trick-or-treats with my dad and the little girlies. dressed as a homemade clown for the third time.
lucas is terrified of his costume. and i can hardly wait to zip him up in it. is that cruel?! he says, "mama. you da wear da sharkeee suiteee." so i'll put it on my head and wander around the house for a minute. maybe even cook lunch in it. still. he'll have none of it.
last year him and the presley-pretzel-peanut were just little ones. their dada's bundled up to take the babes and their last minute costumes out on the town. they even kept ringing doorbells after lucas and presley were fast asleep in their strollers. i remember being snuggled upstairs all by myself and loving the moment of a break. they came home with cold noses and rosy cheeks. we put on their jammies and they kicked their baby feets around in the mound of candy while the dada's picked out their favorites. the snickers. the twizzlers. the milky ways.
has it really been a full year since we packed up our new family and trekked to utah? a full circle year? no wonder we miss presley so much this week.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
happy halloween! i can't wait to read tomorrows blogs and my email inbox to see what you and all the kidlets turn into tonight. i hope your evening is ghoulish and scary and that your buckets are filled with snickers and twizzlers and milky ways.
love, lin

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

"sell all of your burdens. keep all of your prayers" -katie herzig

resolutions on my fridge:
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

one full hour of pure lucas attention:
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

happy autumn. i wish for each of you - one full hour of "you" attention. what will you do with it?
love, lin

**in honor of resolution number four, it's time for comment treats my friends. leave me a comment on this post and i'll get you a little-lindsay-creation sent to your mailbox**

Monday, October 15, 2007

"everybody needs somebody to hold them down...when your feet are leaving the ground" -patrick watson

it has been a jumbled few days of crazy early mornings and i've been a busy lady... but it's been great. and happy. and all is well. thanks for your sweet comments, my bloggy friends. for the sweet treats in the mail. for just plain old thinking of me. i wish i could collect you all up into one place and share a real chat and a real smile or two. i feel so blessed to have this connection to you all. through miles and miles. through a gazillion computer wires. you are here... and i am thankful.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
lucas and i have a new relationship now that he's no longer my little nursling. toughest few days of this very "attached parenting" life of mine. far more emotional than i had ever imagined. i found so many neat blogs and articles about gentle weaning and i feel so thankful that i was able to nurse luc for so long. i've tucked that special "minute" of his boy life away some place safe... to pull out when i need it. i think we've figured eachother out... again. i've re-taught myself how to soothe his worries/owies. how to put him down for bed. how to be his mama with-out the secret weapon. and he still loves and needs me! who would have thought?! he cuddles more, talks more, sleeps more. awh. all is well.
goodnight loves, lin

Sunday, October 7, 2007

"gradually, i will get wiser. i will get stronger. i will get older. i will not settle and i will fight back" -rosie thomas

it rained most of the way to washington. wouldn't that just be how it goes for me, though? we'd made it half way when the sky turned completely black. the clouds just about ready to swallow me and lucas, along with our car load of gear, right up. it poured down. each drop hitting my windshield with a thud. i gripped the steering wheel, tense. we trudged on. we reached a stopping point and i phoned in for help.
"is it going to be like this the whole way? we're so close but i don't think i feel safe in this?"
"it should get better. everything i can find says it's clear... clear sunshine straight ahead," she told me.
"ok. i'll just keep going then." i said. definitely a bit uncertain.
i'm not sure if maybe i'd really wanted her to tell me otherwise. that the sky would stay dark. the storm would follow me the entire way there. i should stop. maybe even turn back. a reason to haul my son and i back to a safe place. i'd been crying my eyes out up until the storm started. my momma had packed me up with cookies and a travel cd just as i'd imagined. and the flood gates... yup. they ripped open. a reason to turn around almost sounded good. instead i decided to welcome the rain. knowing that it would soon end... we kept going.
...and just like my awaiting auntie had said, the sky opened up right in front of me.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

we're here. safely moved in to our new home. my old friend of a couch. lucas tucked sweetly into our familiar comfy bed. i spend my days cleaning and cooking and chasing boy. trying my best to be a better wife, mother... such a blessing this house and everything else that seems to be falling into place... and then...

"they come upon me all silent and menacing like pinkerton detectives, and they flank me - depression on my left, loneliness on my right. they don't need to show me their badges. i know these guys very well. we've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. though i admit that i am surprised to meet them in the elegant italian garden at dusk. this is no place they belong.
i say to them, "how did you find me here? who told you i had come to rome?"
depression, always the wise guy, says, "what- you're not happy to see us?"
("eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert)

how did they find me here? in this new beautiful fresh start? wouldn't that just be how it goes for me, though? will it be like this for the rest of my life? should i just start expecting them to show up with their ugliness, uninvited...forever? this time they bring along a mix of confusing homesickness, an overwhelming "to do list" and a giant scoop of uncertainty. this time, i've decided to welcome them in. hopefully without a fight they might not stay long. i'd use them to my advantage and tap into the creativity that flows during these moments i spend stuck in this familiar rainstorm. i stayed in my pajamas for a few days. kept my phone calls brief. spent the time in unloading boxes and reading books.
and then gradually... as i keep trudging along... the storm seems to be lifting... my brains are slowing down the craziness and as i sort through my thoughts with honesty, things seem to be getting brighter... "clear sunshine straight ahead."